By E.J. Gordon
“I’m so happy my husband has a work trip this week. Now I can put the kids to bed, watch my shows, and not be bothered by anyone.”
It’s a common phrase heard among the Married Mom set. And yet, most of these women are happily married women. They are women who still love their husbands and who still enjoy sex with their husbands. So why do they express excitement at the idea of their husbands not being home?
Aside from the kids and housework sucking the energy from us, sometimes it’s hard to shift our relationships in and out of the drudgery. When we are divvying up who does the dishes and who drives basketball carpool or discussing whether or not the property taxes got paid or even regaling each other with stories about the kids, it’s hard to put that all aside and get turned on the second the light gets switched off.
Sometimes the idea that once we turn off that light, someone is going to be pawing at us or needing something from us is just TOO much.
So when we are alone, it’s a relief to know that going to bed means watching the “Good Wife” or reading Liane Moriarty. It means it’s time for us.
But yet we love our husbands, and we’ve chosen to stay on the path of commitment. And we do like sex, and we crave that connection. So how do we keep that fun intimacy alive, and keep sex a pleasure and not a chore? How do we keep it from being yet ONE MORE THING we have to do for someone else?
5 Ways To Take the “Mommy” out of Married Sex
1. Take the pressure off by taking weeknights off of the table.
Tell him you promise him quality in place of quantity. Whether it’s Saturday nights after the sitter puts the kids to bed, Sunday mornings while they are at a friend’s house, Friday evenings while the kids are still at activities … find a time that does work for you.
While scheduling sex sounds profoundly unsexy, it actually can create excitement.
Knowing you’re going to have that time alone gives both of you time to get in the mindset and amped up for a long, good, possibly creative sex session.
2. Sky rockets in flight …
If it’s at all feasible, meet him for a “nooner” — at home or someplace else. This preempts the evening exhaustion we Mommies are all victim to. If noon doesn’t work — can you send your kids off to school and start the workday late? I have a friend whose sessions are always right after she drops the kids off at school. Two days a week, he’ll wait for her and then head to work right afterward. This way there’s no nighttime expectation.
3. Bring back the 90’s and do it in your car.
Sometimes we get all excited for time together with our husbands during Date Night, only to find all of that quality time derailed as soon as we come home and one of our kids is still up needing Mommy to cuddle or wanting one more glass of water. Or, we find our sitter left the house a disaster, and we need to clean up before we can go to bed. All of the Date Night magic leaves when my hubby is pressuring me to come to bed, and I’m annoyed that he’s not helping me clean up. So every now and then we find a dark parking lot, you know, to make out — just like in high school.
Yes, you might get arrested, but it’ll make for a great 50-year anniversary story.
4. Turn the tables on him.
One of the reasons we aren’t into sex is because we are so sick of someone hanging on us and needing us, from dealing with our kids, and then when we finally do get them to sleep, we find our husbands pawing at us and needing something. So rather than feel like we are letting one more part of our lives suck the energy out of us, take control of him. Tell him that he is not to touch you, and then you run the session.
5. Mindful Sex
Mindfulness is all the rage right now, mostly because it’s very effective. In yoga they tell us to “stay on our mat”. That means not to think about the 800 other things we have to do or who is doing something better than us. It means to stay in the moment, concentrate on your breathing and your body and watch your thoughts pass you by in their own little anxiety parade.
Sometimes you might find your mind wandering during sex, thinking about how much you have to do or still feeling anger or resentment about something that happened weeks ago. Nothing will kill an orgasm faster than remembering when your husband yelled at you for not taking his wallet out of his pocket before you washed his jeans.
So try to employ mindfulness during sex — just tell yourself to focus and be in the moment.
You can always be preoccupied and resentful later. But sometimes a good orgasm helps with that.
Yes, keeping sex alive in a marriage, especially after kids, is a chore in itself. But it’s a very normal problem, one that occurs in most marriages after a few years. And losing the spark is not a sign of an unhealthy marriage. When you both stop trying, then it might be time to worry. And “trying” for us Mommies doesn’t mean accepting sex as part of our duties, whether we want to or not. Our husbands want us to enjoy it too. “Trying” means putting aside all of the details of our days and focusing on creating a space to find the pleasure in it.
Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: E.J. Gordon is a freelance writer, a regular contributor to GIRLillaWarfare, and “Sexpert”. Have any questions or topics that you would like her to address? Remember: No subject is taboo, and Anonymity is accepted. Contact E.J. at: EJGordon529@gmail.com.< back