31
Oct
  

Moms Gone (Too) Wild

By Anonymous

Girls Night Out, Guys Night Out … what’s up with that? I am a 44-year-old father of 3, married to a beautiful wife who occasionally (once every other month) likes to go out with the girls for a few drinks. No biggie … or is it? She does put on her best clothes, she does look very pretty when she leaves, and sometimes she does get home after midnight … Should I be worried?

Well, no, I am not – we have a trusting relationship and I can handle it. However, I do wonder sometimes what is going on with some of the other “better-halves.”

Dating back to the dawn of the legendary original MILF (MILF is an acronym for a “Mom I’d Like To “F*@k”) from the late ’90s movie, American Pie, featuring “Stifler’s Mom” — the quest began for the young cougar bait 20-30-somethings to score with a HOT mom.

The level of Mom hotness is probably a personal variable, as confidence, swagger, Botox, tight designer jeans, and tequila seem to level the playing field.

I have never been a huge drinker, so when I am out with my buddies or with other couples, I see a lot of  “not so cool” behavior with very clear vision. Here is how I see it. The Moms get together on a Wednesday or Thursday for a “Girls Night Out” and begin doing their thing. Their thing seems to be to dress to the nines, breaking out all stops – hair, makeup, cleavage, bling … and of course rounds of shots!

Sounds like fun, right? WRONG! Even the younger guys are turned off.

What the Ladies don’t know or hear is the commentary in the men’s room: “Oh man, are those MILFs easy targets” – or — “Dude, she grabbed my package and tried to kiss me!”

I can only imagine that it must be thrilling to hang out at a mid-week Happy Hour with the housewives of (fill-in-the-blank suburb), sneak a kiss, or get your crotch grabbed. Maybe it’s the whiff of danger or notion of scoring with some doctor, trader, lawyer’s wife – or ex-wife that gets them going, but I have to say, it ain’t always pretty as a bystander.

Ladies, college was 20+ years ago for you … you had your chance already.

Don’t try so hard, you’re all good-looking women, fun to talk to, confident and established – don’t push it to the point where videos of “Mom’s Gone Wild” make it to the infomercials or worse yet, to the Internet!

I have witnessed the “dirty dancing” at Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties, as have the 13-year-old children. If you’re letting loose in THAT environment, one can only imagine what happens at the nightclub where it’s darker and a 21+ crowd.

Again, these MILFs are very attractive – complete with hard-earned yoga bodies, the means to drink without so much as a thought of a limit (should I be double-checking our credit cards?), and a back-to-college sense of “I don’t give a shit what people think – I need to let off steam!”

Well girls, the steam you let off could power an aircraft carrier.

My friends and I have come up with a catch-phrase called Cougar Ugly (the not-so-pretty side of seeing a 40+ woman acting like a drunken sorority girl).

40-50 year old women with kids, acting like they are back in college – Cougar Ugly!

40-50 year olds clearly cheating (or nearly cheating) on their husbands – Cougar Ugly!

40-50 year old women dirty dancing and drinking to the point where one can only imagine the next day school drop-off — Starbucks in one hand, 4 Tylenol in the other – Cougar Ugly.

Either out of mild curiosity or just a tinge of mild paranoia, I keep asking myself, Where the hell are the kids and husbands while these regular mid-week flings are happening?

In fairness to the Moms, I know first-hand that raising kids, carpooling, dealing with the daily drama can certainly wear ya out … but is there something else that you need or are missing at home?

Are we, the husbands, not giving you enough attention or love? Are our kids disrespecting you? Is there too much “Keeping up with the Joneses” pressure in our lives?

I have to admit that what I hear and see on OUR male side of the fence isn’t always pretty either, but that is a topic for another blog entry. The fishing trips, the guys’ long weekend trips to Vegas, the elongated business travel to places like Miami Beach or New York … Let’s just say that the guys are just as guilty, if not worse! In my opinion these trips are always shrouded with “Guy Code” – aka: Keep Your Mouth Shut. Whereas the women seem to just do their flirty thing openly – and worse yet, in our own backyard taverns or clubs.

These are not all hard-fast rules; they are generalizations. There are many faithful men and women who know their boundaries and just like to have fun – even if it’s just a quick-witted harmless flirtatious comment to a waiter or waitress.

I am a baseball coach and a soccer Dad — a Dad who helps (when I can) with homework and cleaning. As much as I think I do at home, I know that it isn’t easy on my wife who basically runs our household and is always pulled in 1,001 more directions than I will ever experience!! I get it – I just want to know what’s really going on in the “Suburban Mom Mind” on those nights out.

Simple suggestion from one Anonymous Loving Husband — Dial it back a notch. Your kid’s old camp counselors are watching you at the clubs and are probably wondering: “How/Why the hell am I closing down a bar with a Mom who used to call me to babysit her little ones?”

 

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