By Lisa Barr
I heard a disturbing story recently from a friend, and I can’t seem to get it out of my head. It went something like this … the camp buses were leaving for an overnight camp in the Midwest, and one Mom somehow had access to get on one of the buses before departure. She literally managed to rope off (save) an entire section for eight 11-year-old girls. She stayed on the bus while the “Chosen 8” boarded and sat in their “designated” seats. Another girl, a new camper, got on the bus, who was the same age, and asked if she could join “those” girls. The Mom responded: “I’m sorry, but it’s reserved” and then she got off.
The clique had been formed and there was no room for “intruders.” (I’ll get to that Mom a little later…)
The new girl, let’s call her Sarah, had been given three simultaneous messages: 1. You are not invited. 2. You are not good enough. 3. This is “The Group” — and you are not part of it, so don’t even try.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was because of the overabundance of Middle School war stories that I had been hearing from so many moms. Same story, different players. And I hate to say this, but the root of this particular social evil, is usually (sadly) initiated by a group of Moms. One of our GW writers pointed out in another blog, that those Moms decide who is IN and who is OUT. It is political, and it is what we at GIRLilla Warfare call “Suburban Social Engineering” which ends up causing many children deep, unnecessary pain.
Don’t get me wrong. Many kids choose to be with whom they feel most comfortable, and that’s totally acceptable. It’s the piece in which the Moms not only helicopter but also patrol kids’ potential friendships that I’m focusing on here.
One Mom shared a story about how her daughter is best friends with a particular girl in her overnight camp, where they spend eight weeks together, inseparable, but when school comes around that girl “drops her daughter” because she is considered on the fringes of “The Group” — not an insider. The message that girl is getting is similar to Sarah’s, just the next step up: You are good enough for the summer, but not during school. See ya, in July.
What does a 12 year old girl do with that? What does her Mom do with that, who happens to be friends with the other girl’s mother?
Does she tell her?
I’m sorry to break the news, but that Mom already knows. In fact she called the “dropped” girl’s Mom to say (and I paraphrase): My daughter is having a party next week, and I just want to give you the heads-up that your daughter is not invited because she is not close friends with the other girls. You understand, right?
Another scenario that I personally witnessed a few years ago was a close friend’s Middle-School daughter had organized a group to go “Trick or Treating” and was very excited about it. Two weeks before Halloween, however, another girl in her class (with whom she has no problems) decided to have a party and invited every girl in that group but THAT particular girl. In short, the girl who organized the “T or T” was left alone, with no plans for Halloween. Her friends, however, all went to the party, and not a single mother of those girls said, “Hey, my daughter has plans with X, can she come too?”
The problem I told my friend (whose daughter was dumped) is that all those moms were just so happy (relieved) that their own daughter was included that they were “afraid” to go to bat for another kid. I know many of you might not agree with me … but I believe in scenarios such as this one, as a Mom, you can and should “stick up” for another child, and make that call on his or her behalf. The actual Mom of the kid (in the Invisible Book of Middle School Protocol), unfortunately, cannot do it, but YOU can do it for her.
I know we all wrestle with the same question at various points: Do I call? What will be the consequences for my kid if I do?
Two years ago, my eldest daughter was graduating from eighth grade. I was literally so sick of hearing these stories of kids around town being left out in a “brutal” way. Let me just interrupt myself here and say that these actions are not exclusive to my community. Not by a stretch. It occurs nationwide, suburban-wide. So if you live in my town, please note, I’m not singling you out. Anyway, I decided to take a drastic step. I contacted a friend and said, “I know this is crazy but let’s invite the whole damn class for a graduation party. We can have it in my backyard. Why not?”
And so we did. We sent out flyers and passed them around in the lunchroom. We hired a high school deejay and set up a movie in the backyard, and nearly every mom in the class sent something to my house — four full tables filled with desserts (the local Fire Department LOVED the leftovers). And there it was: the “popular” kids, the theater kids, the goth kids, the athletes, the mathletes — every type of “group” was united in my backyard and it was a mingling like I’d never seen before, and probably will never see again. I received at least 10 calls from various parents, saying, “Thank you, my son/daughter has not been invited to a single party his/her entire junior high experience. (That made me cry inside — imagining those children scrolling through all the social events they were NOT invited to, courtesy of Facebook).
But here’s what really came out of what I call an “umbrella” party. It had a Domino Reaction. A friend called and said, “You know, I heard about your crazy party. You’re nuts. But … I had actually invited six boys to my son’s birthday party in a few weeks. And after hearing that you included everyone and how great it was, I made calls and invited the other five boys in his class that I had initially left out.”
There were at least three other parties that “inclusion” became the theme. Not everyone can throw a bash for 150 kids. It wasn’t the party; it was the message — TEACH YOUR KID BY EXAMPLE TO INCLUDE. I can’t even begin to tell you what that does for a shy kid to get an “unexpected” invitation. The impact is a game changer for that child.
There’s another crucial piece I believe that falls somewhere in the Being Left Out category — much further down the line, and truly serious. Teen Suicide. There have been a spate of young suicides in the Chicagoland area in the past several months. Some causes have been attributed to too much pressure, bullying, homosexuality, girlfriend/boyfriend problems, and eating disorders.
Middle School and High Schoolers have to deal with a lot of pain — rejection, particularly — as they try to forge their own identities. We as parents need to help give them the necessary tools when life feels so dark. We need to be on the lookout if we see kids we know drastically changing — going from happy to morose. We need to listen hard, if we hear (as I recently did) from our own child that a friend of hers/his is cutting themselves. Be on the look out, and don’t be afraid to make That Call to a parent or a close friend of that parent expressing your concern, even if you feel it’s not your place.
This is, in my opinion, the true “Neighborhood Watch.”
I learned from a very young age that making The Call makes all the difference. I was in 7th grade and my younger brother told me that his friend was being abused by his Dad, but made me swear not to tell our parents because they knew the father. So I honored my brother, but I did call the school anonymously and told the principal what was happening. The principal took care of the situation, and that father was later arrested for child abuse.
My point: Make the damn call. If you see a child being left out, bullied, or worse, and you know about it — don’t be afraid to stand up for someone else’s kid. You can always use anonymity and call the principal to get the ball rolling.
I don’t mean for any of us to become “Gladys Kravitz” — and I know sometimes not minding our own business backfires, but my personal philosophy is Better the Call Than the Consequences.
That Mom on the bus with the social “rope” should be ashamed of herself. Sadly, the only time she will ever really know how “it” feels is when her own kid is left out. And don’t be misled, even the most popular of girls and boys get “dissed.” No one gets by in life scot-free.
I am not a shrink, and my advice is only opinion and personal experience. But perhaps the most important lesson to teach and show by example to our children is the oldest and goldest one of all: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
And then, my friends, let’s see how the cards fall …
Lisa Barr is the editor and creator of GIRLilla Warfare, and the author of the award-winning novel “Fugitive Colors” – www.fugitivecolorsthenovel.com
Homecoming Special
Lisa,
Terrific article! This behavior not only works its way into the Middle/High School but also continues throughout adulthood. Childhood scars can be the root to moms AND dads that feel, “if I couldn’t be that IT kid, then my child will.” Remember parents. you can only control your child’s life for so long. By planting bad seeds at a young age only sets them up for failure to stand on two feet. Socializing your child doesn’t allow skills needed to face the real jungle. Some will succeed, but most will fail. Teach your children SELF-ESTEEM. Teach them INDEPENDENCE. Teach them not to follow but to LEAD. They might not be the “IT” kid, but then again they won’t give a shit.
It certenly does continue into adulthood When I when to t certen church a few lady went on a retreat which I hapend not to attend. A click was formed which became known to outsiders as the church ladies. One night after a womans’ meattig I asked on of them for a ride home and she litteraly yell at me, because I had a habit of aways asking one them for a ride home.
thanks for the article the problem is if you talk to the parents about bullying they say they are against it and would never let their child bully another .When their child is caught being a bully and you show proof to the parent they deny or tell you they will take care of it but then throw their child a party ofcourse leaving out the bullied child.
i can go on quite a bit my childs life changed drastically in middle school had to change schools ,we have parents mad at us for calling their child out.
Lisa,
Loved your article! My daughter has mild Autism and she often gets left out. I remember a few years back when one night I saw on FB one of the girls in her class was having a slumber party and the mother proudly posted photos of all the girls arriving to the party when I realized it was every single girl in my daughters class… except my daughter knew nothing of the party because she was not invited. At that very moment, she was playing upstairs by herself and telling me how she wished she had someone to play with that night. My heart just broke for her, as I knew she was unaware she had been left out, but still I knew and thought it so cruel. I remember feeling really angry at the girls mother for the example she was to her daughter by allowing this. The extra topping on this cake was that the school they attended was a Christian school. This is life and the best we can do is teach our children by our light and example. I hope your article reaches some of the moms who participate in this and hopefully changes their hearts. 🙂
I hope this article does reach mothers who aren’t really paying much attention . . . my daughter was also left out, in school and out of school. It was terrible and isolating and she was chastised and then ignored. She came home one day and said she couldn’t take it anymore. Her “friends” ignored her, didn’t include her, partnered with anyone else except her, and she didn’t want to go back there. Thankfully we had an option and were able to send her to another school where the enrollment is larger and she has found several groups of girls with whom she can be friendly, but the other scenario was unbearable to here and thank goodness it came out and she helped us help here. It’s key to constantly watch you children, listen to them, and monitor if they are thriving as they should. My only regret is that I didn’t see it sooner. By the way, these other girls aren’t nice and will only grown up to unkind, snobby ladies. Avoid them and teach your children to surround themselves with good people — people that don’t treat others with such disrespect and unkindness.
I have a son with autism that only had one friend. Obviously this boy liked my son because they were best friends. I tried to make play dates but the mom was always saying she is busy. (socializing with other moms and kids) It didn’t occur to her that maybe her kid liked my son. Then she moved to a nearby town. My son has never seen her son since. I guess it doesn’t matter to her that our kids were friends, after all her kid doesn’t have autism, he can just make new friends. Now my son has nobody, and she is supposed to be a christian. I guess we aren’t perfect enough to hang out with.
What a great article!!! I don’t understand how these adults can’t comprehend that this way of behaving is not ok!!!!
I am a school counselor in a suburban district in PA. We had to send both of our girls to a private school for Kindergarten because it was a full-day program and my wife and I both work. We are both educators so perhaps a bit more apt to make observations about parent behaviors. Ironically, we both were using the term “social engineering” then to describe the way parents were gauging other parent’s social and economic standing and strategically creating friendships with their children. It was absolutely sickening. We did our best to help our kids get through the year, which we prayed to be over just about every day. Our youngest was more affected by what was going on socially, so much so that the school wanted to have her tested for a learning disability. We couldn’t wait to pull her out of that toxic environment. We did follow through and have her tested and it turns out that she qualified for the Gifted Program! She was so terrified to make a mistake around these kids that the teacher thought she wasn’t learning!
We most definitely see, especially with the Middle School population, moms engineering social clout through exclusion. One of our counselors heard the term “Lawnmower parent” to replace “Helicopter parent.” The Lawnmower parent doesn’t just hover, she clears the way of any social or educational obstacles for their child. As a high school counselor I have to say that these children are not doing well when they leave the nest. They seem to be the first kids coming home from college and not returning. We hear from employers that they struggle mightily in the workplace. They cannot accept criticism of any kind, cannot comply with deadlines, and seem to expect reward even when the underperform. I think it’s clear that these parents are only creating an illusion of competence, socially and otherwise, and depriving their child of the opportunity to develop critical skills such as empathy and responsibility. I hope there is an end in sight, but I haven’t seen any evidence of that happening any time soon.
lisa, i wish there was a way for this article to reach every single mom out there. the story about the roped off bus seats literally increased my blood pressure. i’ve recognized something along the road of my 21 years of motherhood: unfortunately, mean girls tend to turn into mean mom’s. i love your term “social engineering” much more than my term , “social climbing” . but one thing’s for sure, there are mom’s out there, with far too much time on their hands, putting a tremendous amount of effort into selective playdates in order to promote friendships for themselves. pathetic, but true. instead of teaching loving kindness and an open heart, they are exhibiting their own insecurities, which their daughters learn through observation. you can only puppet your child for so long. and when your kid gets “smart enough” to stand on their own two feet, that’s a good day. on another note, which you did not touch upon, social media has spun a whole new light on feeling left out…. i’ve had discussions with high school/college age/ and adults who will attest to this. bottom line is: practice the golden rule. treat others the way you’d like to be treated. practice EMPATHY! keep the great stuff comin, lis! xxoo
I’m with Jill – every mom should read this. Fantastic piece. Parents need to lead by example and remember that they are the adult in the situation.
It has always been my feeling that there is always room for “one” more (or 12, 15, 20) as long as no one is left out. The camp bus story makes me sick to my stomach. Whoever that mom is, I hope someday she understands the kind of damage she is doing to every young girl (and other mom) who crosses her path. She should be more than ashamed of herself. We can only hope that the little girl who she left out will grow up to be a better person and a better mother than this woman will ever be. Whoever you are – SHAME ON YOU!
Fantastic message. I struggle with the birthday list every year. My son’s b-day is in Feb. and I usually have limited space. I try to use some objective criteria to enforce a limitation on the number of friends to invite (school friends, church friends, neighborhood friends). If I have to explain it to a parent or child, they know it is not personal, but I doubt that a child would understand it and I feel terrible about anyone feeling left out. Our schools do suggest all the kids, all the boys or all the girls (because children do seem to understand that) to help avoid hurt feelings. However, if anyone has any suggestions about how to resolve this problem, I would be all ears. I have considered doing parties in August for a “half-birthday” celebration so that I could have as many kids as I want in the yard or park, but am not quite sure how people would react to that.
In the meantime, I will take the messages of this article to heart. I will listen and watch. I will make the call. I will defend other children. Thank you for the eye-opening reminder!
I would start throwing a half-year birthday party in the summer so you could invite everyone. Also what about throwing the party somewhere besides your house so there will be more space for everyone? Not sure if it’s money or your location that is the issue but in my town there are several different places that host kids’ birthday parties. Laser tag, arcade, mini-golf, bowling, movie theater, trampoline places, rock climbing, paint-your-own-pottery, zoo, science museum, aquarium etc
I wholeheartedly agree with this article. BUT, I don’t think we need to start inviting everyone to everything. I think the key is not to leave out a few. My kids can have a small birthday party and get gifts (from kids that actually know them) or a big party and get no gifts. Some of my kids choose small, some choose big. I don’t feel like birthday parties are a time we have to entertain 80 kids. The day isn’t necessarily special to the child if you are doing that. I think there are times for an entire grade to be invited to a party, but I don’t think this article is calling for that.
Many times you can go to a public park, and aquatic centers sometimes have lower party rates in the winter. What’s more fun for a kid with a february birthday than that once in a lifetime pool party?
Back “in the day” when kids were picked on, I think the mom’s tayed out of it and told the kids to “ignore the bully”. I was one that tried toignore the bullies but they thrw snow balls at me, chased me on the icey sidewalk cuasing me to fall, and then laughred at me. When I got home, late with bruised legs and cuts, again my mother accused me, of not ignoring the boys and pushed my self esteem down even further. That lasck of self esteem caused me to become overweight and when the kids poked fun of me, she again told me to ingore them. Wehn I didnt get asked to the sr high dance, she told me if was because I was too fat! Mom became another bully! MOTHERS…help your kids!!! Don’t make them feel that they dseserve to be bullied for whatever the reason! LOVE AND CARE FOR THEM!!!
This was sent in from a reader – A Suburban Dad …
Hi — A friend had post a link to your article “Being ‘Left Out’ Hurts…” on Facebook. Over the last year or so, as my friends on Facebook have watched our daughters grow into pre-teens and teenagers, more and more posts seem to bring up problems regarding girl-on-girl “meanness”. Everyone commiserates, yet no one seems to know what to do to address the issue.
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> As my own daughter is entering the 6th grade next year, I am concerned as her father, that my sweet girl will at some point have to witness other girls being mean and cruel. I really would like to do more to help minimize this negative social behavior in my community, so I started doing some research online. I came across an organization that I really believe might help. Personally, from my own childhood experience, being actively involved in a peer leadership Jewish youth group (Young Judea), I am a big proponent of positive peer leadership when in comes to impacting kids. This program utilizes the same strategy. Please take a moment to look at The Kind Campaign http://www.kindcampaign.com/. I think you will be impressed with their program / message.
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> Maybe someone reading your blog will take the initiative and bring The Kind Campaign to their community.
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> Thanks for considering my suggestion.
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> –Nick
Nick, thank you for posting this! My daughter is currently struggling with a parent who is the master of social engineering, possibly holds a secret PhD in the subject. My family has been struggling with this particular mom, who, unfortunately, is also our next door neighbor, for 2 years. I want to hang the white flag of surrender outside of my home. I have been mentally battling with ideas on how to fix this problem and ask all of the other parents “don’t you see what she is doing”, but sadly they are not stepping in and calling her out on it because their children are “included” in her agenda. It breaks my heart. While doing research on this topic I came across this blog and your post about the Kind Campaign and I am very thankful that I did. I am proposing this idea of bringing the Kind Club to our children’s school in September. I sincerely want to thank you for posting this, and to also thank you for helping to find a solution to this problem.
First of all, what a great, eye opening article. Secondly, are you sure this bus mother story is actually true? Or is it heard through a friend of a friend of a friend? Sometimes I feel the stories generated in and about our community are played out like a game of “telephone”. I get asked all the time about rumors at my 2 kids overnight camps that are so ridiculous and far fetched that I am beginning to wonder if we aren’t all trying to pit mom against mom, parent against parent. Who can come up with the most extreme story.
If that bus story is true, then I shake my head in disgust.
On another note, regarding the mom calling another mom about the party…is it better to pretend like she didn’t know she was leaving the other child out? And I am a mom who over invites. However first we are being told, the parents who host the most lose the most. And in the next breathe, but if you don’t invite 40 plus kids, you hold the lock and key for one child’s devastated feelings. And who wants that? And why is my middle school kid directed to invite people she/he doesn’t speak to at school or doesn’t have classes with? I know I would not do the same as an adult.
I wish that avoiding helicopter parenting came with the benefits of being “hands off”. However we as parents must find that delicate balance of how and when to get involved. And how to support each other and the kids in our community. It is becoming increasingly more challenging to role model for our kids while trying to stay out of their business.
If I ever came across a woman holding seats on a camp bus, rest assured I would kick her ass. Helicopter to helicopter I suppose…
Hey Kathleen — it’s Lisa Barr, author of GIRLilla Warfare. Thanks for
commenting on my blog. I’ve been thinking about what you asked because
that is truly the problem — many times it is just too expensive to be
“inclusive.” But a rule of thumb … if your child is younger than
Junior High age, usually he/she has one class/one teacher — invite
that whole class of boys or girls. i.e. the 10 boys in the class …
when they hit junior high — perhaps your son is on a sports team (i.e.
soccer) and he wants to invite a handful of those kids — best to
invite that whole group, and look for a more “economical” party — If
it is just say a sleep over — and you are inviting 6 boys — that is,
in my book, totally understandable. As long as it is not six boys from
say a particular group in which there are 8 boys involved. (then
definitely invite the other 2). This whole invite thing stops once
Junior High is over (then high school) … the birthday parties, etc.
usually focus on your child’s core group. My point is gauge the
situation — per situation — per class of your child’s and make the
right call. My point in the piece is that if, say, someone has plans
with another kid — and they are invited to a party — that Mom can
say, hey, would it be okay if X comes too, she has plans with my
daughter that night and my daughter would LOVE to be with both girls
… (something to that extent) … I hope this helps. I had your
question on my mind this morning …
Anyway, have a great day — and thanks for reading my blog!!
Best, Lisa
The school my kids attend has about 80 kids in a grade. About 20% are Jewish, which amounts to about 20 or so bar/bat mitzvahs in 7th grade. Because there are so many, the school has an unwritten “policy” that you should either invite the whole grade or less than 10. Many parents balk at this and the expense, but I always defend the school in that what if YOUR child was the one child that was left off of every list? That would be a lot of Mondays to face after weekend festivities. When it came time for my own children, I adjusted the price point knowing how many kids I needed to accommodate. It was an invaluable opportunity for my children on inclusion and kindness.
that is a fantastic rule, kudos to that principal. my daughter sat through so many classes while party list were being sent around and she was never invited to one bar mitzvah. Every Monday all the kids were wearing the sweatshirts, it was just another punch in the stomach. 10 years later and the pain is still raw
Lisa,
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I rarely post comments on blogs, but I
was genuinely moved by your piece and it really made me think about my own
actions and what to do about this annual problem. I think I can abide by your
advice…pick the group, then invite that entire group.
I will not only read your blog, I will share it with others. I think your
message is spot on. I know a lot of very good people who want to raise
compassionate kids that would benefit from your practical advice.
I couldn’t help but notice the happenstance of being directed to your blog
from a friend’s link on Facebook on a day when a “loner-type” had just committed
the heinous killings in CO. I can’t help myself from thinking whether these
“loners” weren’t somehow mistreated as kids every time this happens–and frankly
I usually assume that they were. The strategies in your blog are so helpful
that you never know, but it may be saving someone.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Kathleen
This story reminds me of when my daughter was 8 and went to park district day camp with 9 other girls from her grade at school. The 9 girls were all in a group together and my daughter was in another group with no one she knew and only 6 girls. In fact, one of the 9 girls was supposed to be in my daughter’s group and on the first day of camp, her mother promptly had her moved to the other group. When I questioned the camp director about how this could be allowed to happen, I was told it was due to a “convoluted friendship request.�
This is a great post – Parents really do need to get a life. Thanks for putting that out there Lisa !!
In my opinion these type of need to become extinct-
You are a kind good person to recognize this. I have and will continue to be aware if possible situations like this.
I posted about this article today. Great post!
Lisa, thanks for this blog. Someone asked if the rope on the bus story was true. My daughter was left out in a very similar way on a camp bus. A mom had gotten on the bus and saved a huge portion of seats for her daughter and friends. My daughter was forced to sit alone at the front of the bus and the bus pulled away with her looking out the window at me and crying. She stopped going to that same camp because so many of the mothers insisted that their daughters all be in the same cabin – so much so that the other cabins were very small. I actually find that when we leave the girls to their own devices they are often kinder and more inclusive then when the moms get involved. This is a very dangerous form of helicopter parenting that is so hurtful to our children. Thanks for starting a very needed conversation.
Unfortunately this is how my fifth grader, C feels quite a bit. She hears of events that many of the girls she considers “friends” are invited to and she is not (and I’ve seen FB posts of the same) and although she tries to hold it in, she feels the sting every time. I suppose you could say she is also a fringe type girl-unique and often misunderstood for her quirky ways, therefore not quite “in.” The fact that mothers are willing participants of this social engineering is truly disheartening. Adults can be bullies too! I often wonder if my child is left out because of how the mother feels about me. Our daughters could very well enjoy each other’s company but the relationship is discouraged because my presence would be by default. I try to be as inclusive as possible with regards to both my child’s classmates as well as their parents. I’m reasonable enough to understand that we naturally gravitate to certain groups of people, but I can attest that had I not given a second or even third chance to those I once considered incompatible, I would not have some of the wonderful friends I now hold dear. Our differences make it interesting! While I do understand that it’s not reasonable to invite every single child (or mom) to every single event, purposeful and blatant exclusion for whatever end purpose is never acceptable. Thank you for this powerful article. If just one parent reads it and takes it to heart, then maybe just one child will not have her heart broken.
this happens to parents too not just kids. I adopted older children neither my kids nor I have ever fit in. I get snubbed by the other parents because my kids didn’t grow up with them and equally by the adopted community because I didn’t adopt infants. We do fine by what few friends we have but its sad our society hasn’t evolved beyond this pettiness.
One thing that you could have touched on, is the idea of making a commitment. You mentioned that all the girls that had made plans to trick or treat changed their minds and went to a party. I’ve taught my middle school daughter that if you make plans with someone , you follow through. You do not abandon them because a better offer comes along. She would have been trick or treating that night, unless the girl that invited her cancelled first.
I agree. I was raised this way and I also teach my daughter to behave in the same way.
Thank you so much for posting this! I have a daughter in Kindergarten, and this type of behaviour is ALREADY beginning. And it’s not unique to girls by a long shot – my second-grade son is being excluded from multiple events because the parents of some of his classmates do not like ME. I could not care less on my own behalf, but it is unbelievable to me that other moms would behave this way towards children. I was prepared to deal with this sort of thing in middle and high school – but am truly heartsick to see it all has “trickled down” to so young an age.
Great idea! Kudos to you for standing up and standing strong!
As a former elementary school teacher I saw lots of the wrong ways to have a birthday party! I always spoke up about the invitation process and eventually said at the beginning of the year if you send out invites in class every child of the same sex HAS to be invited. It really made a difference and made the parents think.
I LOVE this post! My son has always been an excluded and at times even bullied kid and it’s just so frustrating. Sometimes I hop in and try to defend him, sometimes I leave it alone and counsel him to focus on the handful of kids who ARE nice to him. But it’s really painful for both of us. Yes, I get that my son is kind of an odd kid at times. But don’t people realize that even the odd kid has feelings too? I love the idea of inclusive parties and just teaching kids (and adults) to just be kind. I hope this goes viral!
We have “odd kid parties” *laugh* My friend has a son who has some issues, and my son in on the autism spectrum and they have a blast! Her son is 5, mine is 2 1/2, but they’re the same size so they don’t beat each other up too badly.
I was the odd kid. My mom wasn’t quite right and we never fit in. I didn’t get invited to parties. I was bullied. You can bet I make sure my kiddos are open and inviting to all. They learn to get to know someone before you say you don’t like them. It’s perfectly ok not to like someone, but it better be for a good reason.
Last year my daughter was bullied and dropped by a group of girls who were her friends. The bullying continued all year long. The school did nothing until it got physical. Without my intervention, that girl would have been suspended. We felt it was better to rise above and not put a mark on this girl’s school record. One of the mother’s had the gall to tell me that “my daughter is too naïve” to participate in that behavior”. We are talking about 12 and 13 old girls, you can’t tell me your daughter did not know what she was doing.
This brings to mind a situation in preschool that we experienced. One mom walked down the pickup line passing out invites to her daughters birthday party. My daughter was invited, but the woman who was standing next to me did not receive an invite to the party for her daughter. I felt so badly for this woman. You could tell she was upset. Our daughters were friends and did play dates at the time. Another time, one of the girls from a sports team only invited half the team to a sleepover and did so in front of the other girls. I actually called the parent out on that one. I told them at this age, it is unacceptable to not be inclusive. If you feel you can’t invite everybody, then do the invites privately.
I agree, while you definitely can’t always invite ALL the kids to every party, you should at the very least pass out invitations privately or mail/drop off invites to their home.
The summer after 7th grade, my parents signed me up to go to a YWCA camp that a number of my classmates had been going to for several years. My best friend, Linda, was one of the veteran campers. They also had “camp friends” who went to other schools. When we got to camp, they let us pick cabins. All the girls from my school wanted to be in the same cabin, but also include a couple of their other friends. That left no room for me. I will never forget Linda volunteering to leave “the group”, of which she had been a part of, to join me in another cabin and be my bunkmate. It turned what could have been a humiliating experience into a great one, and we both got to meet a bunch of new friends that summer.
This happened to my 6 year old today, she was told she was not part of the group, I did not know what to tell her, I felt so sorry for her. Why is this going on in first grade?
Amen Sister! I try to do that kind of stuff whenever I can because I have two teenage girls who are so intelligent and awesome but don’t fit in with everyone else. They have been left out so much, each of them has tremendous scars. I try to stop any injustice I see, but my girls make fun of me now….they won’t later.
Hello,
This was a really great article and I really enjoyed reading all of the replies. Normally, I don’t post comments on blogs, but this one got me thinking. How do you deal with the kid who is inclusive, inviting the whole class to the party, and then having no one come? I have seen this happen in my family where a little girl invited my sister, along with the whole class and my parents tried to convince her to not go because the little girl lived in a dirty trailer and her family had some issues. My little sister didn’t care, and luckily she is strong enough to have resisted, because she was the only kid from the class to go to the party. Do you have any advice on how to deal with that kind of situation?
This post really hits close to home due to a recent situation with my 6th grader. In fact, I am more upset about it than she is. Someone who she considered a friend, in fact, she had a play date/sleepover with this summer, had a sleepover birthday party this month, invited her 3 bestffriends and excluded her. Her response was very mature, “She is obviously better friends with them than she is me. There are some kids who are friends with some of my good friends who I like but not enough to invite to my parties.” But the girl’s mother in this situation is the leader of her girl scout troop and with her position should have spoken up to her daughter. This, along with other situations that I observed is making me consider putting her in one of the other troops at the school. Scouts is supposed to be about friendship and self esteem and I don’t see it happening in this troop. Because my daughter isn’t that upset, do I have a right to advocate for what I see as an injustice?
I want to respond to this from someone who was in this situation and also someone who is a scout leader. First, I’ve been there: last year a girl my daughter is minimally friends with now (but had been close to in the past) had a sleepover party where she invited 6 girls. 3 of those girls happen to be my daughter’s 3 best friends. The girl’s mom emailed me when the invites went out to explain that her daughter was only allowed to invite 6 friends and my daughter (rightly) did not make the cut . I thought it was nice of her to give me a heads up. That way I could have a private conversation with my daughter about the situation where my daughter said basically the same thing your daughter said and when the subject came up from one of her friends (“I’ll see you at the party”) she was OK with telling her friend she wouldn’t be there. The truth is that if my daughter could only invite 6 girls to her party, this girl would not make the cut either. However, when we had a large party later that year for my daughter’s birthday, we did invite this girl and we were happy that she came. It was the size of the party that impacted the invitation since not all friendships are created equal. Now, as a scout leader: I have 10 girls in my troop. My daughter would say she is friends with all of them and has probably had playdate and/or sleepovers with 8 of them. However, if she could only invite a few girls to a sleepover party, most of these girls would not be on her list. You are right that scouts are about friendship, but there is also degrees of friendship. Some girls are BFFs (as my daughter would say), some are good friends, and some are just friends. There is nothing wrong with that. As adults we have those same levels of friendship. I would say that it might have been nice for the scout leader to speak to you privately (as my daughter’s friend’s mother did), assuming she even knew the intricacies of the relationships between all the girls involved but I don’t think you should feel slighted by this or think about changing troops just for this reason. Perhaps these girls will become better friends in the future, or maybe they won’t, and that’s OK, but even the Girl Scouts can’t make girls be BFFs. That’s something that just happens naturally. Hope this helps. Be proud of your daughter for her level thinking and good sense, and the night of that party, do something fun with her or have another friend over for a sleepover of their own.
If it were just the party, especially with my daughter’s attitude about it, I wouldn’t rush to find a new troop. But it’s other stuff too that I believe led to the exclusion. This past year, the leader yelled at her in front of others, singling her out. Once I was there in the middle of handling the situation and she jumped in, yelling at her in front of the group, sending her to sit in a corner. This attitude is rubbing off on the girls. I observed quite a few events where they were picking on her in a similar manner.
Andra, I agree. Children need to allowed to choose their own friends; that isn’t the same as being mean or exclusive. I can’t imagine being forced to invite all of my workmates out for drinks on a Friday so no one’s feelings are hurt. THAT is so phony and doesn’t speak to the type,of intimacy I want my children to develop.
YES! I agree completely with what you are saying. My daughter found out she was not invited to a party during the last school year. I could tell she was sad, but I asked if she was sad because she liked the birthday girl so much, or because she liked all of the other girls that were going? And, then I asked her to make a list of her top 6 friends she would invite over for a sleepover. She realized she wouldn’t have invited that girl over either, they just have many friends in common. It helped her to realize that when she made her own list & saw that the people she considered her own friends were the same ones that DID invite her to their parties.
Great post! We experienced all this in 4th grade and I believe it all starts at home. While this is a life lesson it’s sad kids have to learn this so young. I always tell my daughter, kids that have to travel in a clique or group have to because they are insecure in themselves, but it’s no different than Mom’s that need to have groups as well. There is a great book out there Little Girls can be Mean, great ideas on how to deal with group dynamics at a young age.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this article. You have articulated every word [so much better than I could] of what I hope to teach my daughter. She’s not in the IN crowd most of the time but no matter what we always include everyone. Even a girl in her class that was being not so nice to her [hoping that including her under my supervision of course would make things better…it didn’t but that’s a different topic]. I will definitely be following this blog!!
Great article. My daughter is only in 3rd grade but I can already see some mean girl behavior starting to sneak into her peers. It’s unavoidable as they inch toward middle school but I think but as parents we really do have to be willing to step up and point out to the girls (and their moms) that this is not acceptable. This article also reminded me of my daughter’s birthday party last year. She said she wanted to invite her entire class. “I like them all,” she told me. I knew maybe half these kids (her school is huge, 6 classes for every grade so she wasn’t in class with most of them before) but I agreed under one condition: that her invitation say “NO GIFTS PLEASE” in big letters. I didn’t want her to invite the kids for the wrong reason (i.e. more gifts) and I didn’t know the financial situation of most of these families and I didn’t want that to be an excluding factor. My daughter agreed and we had an ice skating party. 40 kids were invited, 25 from her class and 15 that she would normally invite. It was lovely. No one was left out and the kids, boys and girls, all got along great. After the party, 2 moms came up to me and thanked me for inviting their daughters. They both said this was the FIRST party that their daughter had been invited to EVER. I didn’t know either of these families and my heart kind of broke for these girls and their moms. I’m so proud of my daughter for inviting all these kids and it has opened my eyes to the fact that I need to encourage my daughter to be more open in her friendships and include those girls who may not normally be in her social circle.
I read this article…which is terrific by the way…and was shaking my head! Seriously, what is wrong with parents!?!?!?!? One thing that bothered me though was the trick or treating story. Why didn’t ANY of the moms tell their daughters you were already invited to go trick or treating with “x” and you said yes. You don’t just jump ship when a “better” invite comes along. To me, that seems like common sense and common courtesy and if some how I came to understand that the plans had changed I would have made darn sure that “x” from the original invite was included. I get everyone wants to be liked even parents but at the expense of a helpless child-I truly DO NOT get it!
What is wrong with all these parents you ask? One Word: Narcissism. It’s the psychological term for evil. These people have no empathy. They are users and social ladder climbers. That’s all they care about and that’s the kind who usually end up as our political leaders unfortunately.
I disagree that the mothers of the girls who were invited to the Halloween party should have called the party planner’s mother and asked“Hey, my daughter has plans with X, can she come too?â€? What those mothers should have done is told their daughters that once you accept an invitation from one person, you don’t break your plans with that person just because a “better” offer comes along. Then they should have had their daughters call party planner and say “thank you so much for inviting me, but I already made plans with X to go trick or treating.” It’s Etiquette 101, and it would have taught their daughters a better lesson about how to handle their own affairs, and might have taught party planner a lesson about what can happen when you exclude people. People dismiss the likes of Emily Post for being old-fashioned, but rules like that emerged from centuries of experience. In the name of being less “stiff and formal” we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater.
YES. You honor your prior commitments regardless of what new or better thing may come along. I agree COMPLETELY.
It’s also known as the GOLDEN RULE: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! But I guess God’s basic commands are also “too old fashioned” for these Narcissistic parents.
I’d also like to recommend the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World” by Rosalind Wiseman.
As a young woman, I had been part of a group and then suddenly I was “out”. I have never forgotten it. I detest “the mean girls on the playground.” I made sure to advocate for my daughter when she was growing up and taught her to be a strong, confident woman. One time, she was to do a class project with a bunch of these girls – and she was being left to do all the work. I contacted the teacher, then contact the parent of every single girl and made arrangements to meet at one of the homes. I told them what was going on and that I had made the teacher aware of it, and that if they did not get together and work together on this project to my satisfaction, and the teacher did not hear back from me as to how it went, they would all be given failing grades. They got together, got over whatever issue they had, got the project done. I had polite chit chat with the other parents and left with my head held high and it stopped it right then and there on that day. I cared not for any of these parents then or since. My daughter has far out achieved every last one of them. I was there for her when she needed me, I handled it with grace and class..Today, my daughter has a Master’s degree, works at a major international university and teaches pt at 2 others. She does not suffer fools and neither do I.
Love this article. So wish this could be sent to everyone and every parent. Although these are about girls, boys too have the same problem. My son who is in third grade has asked to play football during recess. They have told him no, or they will say yes and he never gets the ball. They will laugh at him. At lunch they will tell him he can not sit by them. One of the boys sent him a card last year before school started stating hoe excited he was to be in class with my son. He stated that it will be fun to play with my son and egg to better know each other. Two weeks after school starts this boy has a birthday party my son was not invited. My son was so crushed, the boy said his mom had said no. Being in the thick of this is hard and my heart truly aches for my son. As Mom’s we all want our children to be included. How though? I spoke with this Mom and she basically blew it off. It is a small town and there I a group of Moms here, sadly it is starting at a much younger age.
I see this daily. My own son at age 7 was told by a little girl I’m sorry but I can’t be your friend because my mom said your Dad doesn’t make enough money I’m a pagent girl and you need to by me things my mom said so…
I hate to be the jerk here…but here goes, why do moms keep their kids in these school??Why? We choose to privately educate our kids in Christian schools. These are small schools with 1 grade per class…yeah love that! Our public schools let you know that if all the kids don’t get along ….no worries they’ll get mixed up next year and probably not be in the same class, SAY WHAT. How about we teach the kids to get along? Far stretch for the public schools. I live in a very wealthy area and I would NEVER send my kids to any public schools they are breading grounds for bullies. I hate when I hear stories of girls bulling someone to the point of suicide yet they send their child back to that school even when they know the torture going on. PRIVATE PEOPLE and no it is not all that expensive. Here’s the deal, you get one chance at raising good respectful hopefully god fearing children. There are no do overs. SO while I am watching my friends daughter go to drug treatment because she’s in the “Good school” the school in the fancy neighborhood with more drug and alcohol problems then they know what to do with, I on the other hand have a high school junior who is off the charts balanced focused and treats people kindly and with respect. I went to a middle school 6-8th, and I hated it. I remeber feeling so out of place, wanting to still play with barbies yet now my 6th grade friend had a boyfriend. I vowed to NEVER send my children to Middle schools and they have been so much better off because of that. Some of go to church every Sunday and try to lead godly lives yet we send our children to school where God is not allowed….why?
Regarding your comment: Unfortunately it happens in every school, not just public. We send our kids to a private, religion based school, and unfortunately a lot of the moms there “talk the talk” but do not “walk the walk”. The social engineering and cliques are rampant, I’m sad to say.
While I do not use the public school system, I find the kids there to be more accepting than kids at private school.
My kids go to a private school that boasts inclusion but there are parents who support exclusion because that’s life and not everyone will invited to everything. I took my kids out of public school to avoid this meanness and it’s true that it happens everywhere…even in my kids’ only 7th grade class of 17 kids. When said parent was called to bring awareness to the meanness and teasing my kids were experiencing due to their lack of invite as well as 3 other children in their class, the parent responded that she nor her child can be responsible for the meanness of the other kids in their class. I’m taking this up with the administration because I see it as bullying and can have undue consequences down the road.
It is absolutely the parents’ responsibility to make sure their kids are behaving properly and, when at all possibly, fairly. But in jr high you start to let kids make their own decisions or at least give them a major part in a decision that impacts them. Who is or is not invited to a party can be part of that. As a parent, I always questioned my daughter on who she was inviting or leaving out and why if the latter. Sometimes I over ruled but mostly I didn’t. And I’m sure there were times that my kid was the one left out. We can’t protect kids from everything and being left out isn’t the worse things kids have to deal with. You keep your eye on things and see if their reaction needs to discussed. I don’t tolerate bullying in any form and would love to protect every child out there from being hurt by the process of growing up. But those hurts are what make us stronger as well.
I think I cried through out this whole article. My son has been left out of so many parties, events, and get togethers, There was even 1 time a kid in his 4th grade class asked him to give an invitation to a kid sitting next to him, but that he wasn’t invited. straight out. I am extremely proud of my son for being a strong young man who believes that he doesn’t need anyone in his life that doesn’t want him in theirs. I tell my children both Kids can be cruel but not worth you taking your life for because at the end I suffer and your father suffers. Those kids move on and grow up to be god knows what. Your better than that and if you see someone being mistreated or excluded you befriend them and let them know they have a friend. You dictate your social life do not let anyone dictate it. I think that if we share an article like this on our school facebook page maybe it will reach thos moms that are going through something like this or may it will open the eyes of that ignorant mother who thinks that by trying to fit in to be popular she is doing no harm. so thank you
My grandson has been through much the same thing at his school. He is now in junior high and his best friend has deserted him for “the group.” My heart aches for him but I figure he will find other friends. As a retired teacher, I felt I could do much in my classroom by telling students that if you bring invitations to school, the whole class of boy or girls should be invited. Otherwise, the invitations should be delivered outside of school. Discussions of times you were with other students and one of the classmates was not invited should be avoided. I stressed that in our classroom we are a family and we look after the feelings of others. I wish I would hear that other teachers are doing the same. It is important that children learn to be good citizens and caring of others!
Been there….we t thru alot…Midwest bullying situation…school did nothing…got attorney…
You got an attorney? To force kids to be friends with your child? How did that work out for you?
This happens with boys too. My oldest son has this same experience and it is so hurtful. By the way it starts in elementary school and in some cases even preschool. We moved into a new school district when my oldest was half way through his first grade year. We never could get into that group because the moms went so far as to get their sons into classes together. Also since we knew how it felt to move, I made sure that my sons included everyone especially the new kids. My son is in HS now and that group is still going strong and is still as exclusive as ever. My middle child is fine. We either do not have an “in” group or we are on the fringe of it. People are more inclusive with his group. My youngest child’s grade also has an “in” group and this one came about as changes in the school. We have one class that gets to learn Spanish & that group sticks together their entire time in elementary. school. That group is very tight and won’t let in outsiders. I really dread the middle school and HS years. This article is dead on and what people have done have really hurt people. I get that people make friends and are too busy to try to reach out to others, but I think some of these moms have just taken it up a notch and been too exclusive and just plain lazy..
I read your article shaking my head, My family moved to the suburbs nearly 2 years ago, and to be honest we are counting the months until we can get out (19 more) My children have grown up living around the world from Italy to Asia. The issues in the suburbs stem from one thing as far as I can see. MOTHERS! There seems to be an unspoken hierarchy where in one mother appoints herself the leader and the others just sort of follow along.. or at the very least no one stand up to her EVER! Everyone in the suburbs seems to be in competition with the people around them. Who has the biggest car… what company who’s husband works for. Is my daughter the best {fill in the blank} If a mother feels threatened in any way then watch out, and if it happens to be the leader of the pack’s kid who takes aim then you might as well put a for sale sign up and go! The schools are run by a select few parents, and if they decide you are not in then you and your kids are out. The administration allows it because the school board is publicly elected. Having never lived in the suburbs as a child, I honestly thought moving my kids to one would be the best thing for them. How wrong I was. My older 2 sons thrive in high school in spite of what seems to be the acceptable norm.
I don’t blame the mothers who run around stirring the pot. After all it has probably been their modus operandi for a long time. I blame the mothers who see it and do nothing about it. What must that say to a child who was just bullied or uninvited? While I am used to hearing that we are “not permanent” and therefor could not possible understand the choices and decisions parents have to make, we are still parents and no neighborhood reputation is ever more important that my kids feelings. The suburbs will change drastically over the next 10-20 years and it will be interesting to see how these kids survive in the real world…
Hey I did the entire class invite in October for my December birthday kid until 6th grade. Then it was not cool to do. Started the same tradition with my next kid. One particular child I invited had some emotional and behavioral issues and I asked a parent to attend also. They didn’t. This child tried to choke 2 other children at the party. I called the Dad who had custody that weekend. He showed up 2 hours after party was over, no apology in fact he laughed.. Sometimes inclusion of everyone is not good.
This is a great article. My daughter is only in 3rd grade and this is starting already, with who is in the “in” group or not. It is very frustrating when she says “no one likes her” or she wasn’t invited”. Children have feelings to and this article hit it on the nose. I try and teach my daughter that everyone is equal but that is hard when you have some mothers who believe their child is above. This is a sad situation that can scar children for life.
Parents encouraging exclusive behavior is ridiculous for sure. And the bus seat roping was way out of line. However, sometimes not being included in a party is an important life lesson. The best takeaway is to teach kids to understand that it’s not always because you are being bullied. Sometimes it is for other reasons completely. And I’m glad you all seem so well-off. But, as a single mother, when my daughter wanted to have a laser tag party for her birthday this year, at $20+ a kid, inviting the whole class was just not an option. As kids grow up, they create stronger bonds with some kids than others. Of course, it is frustrating when those bonds are controlled/engineered by mean moms.
Thanks for writing this. As the mom of a 7 year-old girl, I’m just beginning to see some of these behaviors in the kids in her life. One thing I kept going back to is your story about the Trick-or-Treating party. I was raised by a mom who is well versed in social etiquette (like, Emily Post level) and, once I accepted an invitation, I was never allowed to later decline if something else “better” came along. As I read that paragraph, I kept thinking how I wouldn’t even allow my daughter to do what the “other” girls did. Sadly, you learn very quickly who your real friends are in situations like these … and they happen in adulthood, too.
Thank you for this message and the replies of parents. Let’s put this information in every school and every classroom and send it home to parents the first day of school.
Thank you for writing this article. Of a mom of 4 kids. I had to put my child who is in Middle school n a special program bc she was bullied and left out. She has learned so much but has to make new friends of lovely speaker phone and being left alone at the lunch!! Kids are so mean today..
As a mom of a 15 year old son and a 11 year old daughter, I really appreciate your bringing this to light. I also teach 7th grade students in a school where some kids have all the material possessions possible and others have next to nothing.
I have to say that my son has even seen this come from MOMS of other boys. My son is a 15 year old straight A student, a talented pitcher for the baseball team and well liked by many. What I am so proud of is how he has stood up for the underdog..and his friends are genuine. BUT the moms can be brutal. There are a few, but one in particular, that feels her son is #1 and can do no wrong. She will ‘go after’ the type of people that she feels is best for her son. My son decided he wanted little to do with him. According to my son this young man would blame everyone else if he made an error on the field or court…he and my son are both great athletes but this mom didn’t seem to like the fact that my son would go after hers to worship him. Now the entire family is out of our lives…our choice. A great learning experience for our entire family. Adults can really hurt too. Thanks for sharing all this!
I think it should be mentioned that we moms need to look in the mirror. How many baby showers, bridal showers, etc., have we hosted and then post pictures on facebook? Every single time this happens, I can assure you that there are people whose feelings get hurt. I have heard of it from other people, and it has also happened to me. If you are not including your whole “group” in a gathering, don’t advertise it on facebook. I learned the hard way when I left someone out of a bridal shower that I hosted and several of us posted pictures on facebook and a friend called me crying because she hadn’t been invited. I left her off the guest list because not everyone likes her. But her hurt was real, and I felt very bad that I had left her out. Sure, people should be able to invite whoever they want, but we should also be sensitive to other people’s feelings and not advertise it. The time I got left out of a mom’s-night-out gathering only to see all my friends on facebook drinking margaritas together hurt. Our children learn from our example. Let’s set a good one in our own lives, not just in theirs.
Thank you for this article. As a parent it makes me realize that I am not going crazy here. I do remember the “groups” and the drama even when I was in school but I think with social media it has gotten a lot worse. We are new to the area (2 years now) and being the new girls then my oldest being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes it has been rough with all the cliques and popular groups. I pray each day the my girls will be themselves and find inner strength to shine for who they are and include everyone along the way. Thanks for this message. I just wish the parents and the kids that are doing this could read it and take it to heart.
Thank you for writing this article. It could have been written for the town I live in. I do blame the parents for a lot of this crap that is happening. Not only purposeful exclusion but being blind to what your kids are doing to others is torturing sweet, amazing girls. I am the mother to three girls, ages 6 to 12 , and my heart breaks sometimes when I see what goes on. The best I can do is to teach them the proper way to treat others and facilitate a different, more inclusive type of environment. There is so much about bullying which of course is a horrible situation. However, sometimes I think being ignored is just as horrible.
This must be a new thing where parents insert themselves into every aspect of their kids lives. When I was growing up, it was up to me who I chose to be my friend, who I invited to parties, i made my own decisions. Parents need to stop micromanaging and living their kids lives. Moms really need to grow up and learn the correct way to raise children.
It still goes on after many years, as I’ve just seen after my 40th class reunion. About 15 of the more popular girls from high school (living locally) have formed a lunch club that meets once a month. I am FB friends with several, and only learned about it through their postings. It hurts, but it doesn’t, that I was not asked. These ladies acted the same way in high school. It wasn’t ALL of them, but the original planners wanted to keep it within a small group worried that it would become too large if they invited everyone. I made a catty remark about wondering what they wear, since they are all too fat to wear their cheerleading uniforms or sorority shirts. I wouldn’t have joined unless it had been open to all.
Another suggestion I would give if you find yourself hosting a large birthday party is one that will benefit others. Instead of gifts for the birthday person, ask that they bring an item for a cat or dog in a shelter (toys, leashes, collars, chew bones, shampoo, bags of food, etc) These items are usually less expensive than a real present. Teaches your child compassion, and sets an example for their friends. Items don’t have to be wrapped, and can be placed in a container, so there is no worry who brings a present and how much it costs, plus if there are ‘doubles’ they are still needed.
This goes much deeper than being left out of a group. Every time you buy your child something like an I-phone, expensive clothes, enroll them in extra-curricular activities, because others have them, or to make your child more popular, you also feed into their minds that having these things is what will make people like them.
Thanks for writing this. Sharing this article with as many people as possible, in the hopes that someone will recognize themselves and make a change.
Thank you for the article. These are very difficult times for any kid. And I try very hard to always treat others the way I would want to be treated and pray my kids learn by example. If every parent could read this than maybe it would help make a difference and save kids (AND parents) from the constant pain!
I have been on both sides of this. Both of my daughters have been a part of the “in” crowd at a younger age. I wasn’t arranging these friendships and didn’t pay attention to the fact that they were seen by other moms as being a part of the mean crowd. These were just my daughter’s friends, plain and simple. Eventually, my 9th grader figured out that she didn’t agree with the group’s behavior and slowly found other like minded friends. It was a lonely time, but I kept telling her that there are so many other girls to meet, she just had to try and put herself out there. Why would you want your children to be “included” in a group that doesn’t want them? Isn’t that just as damaging to force a friendship? If my girl’s aren’t invited to something and it’s hurting their feelings, I let them know that everyone can’t be invited to everything… If she feels it is her good friends and they are purposefully excluding her, then she needs to call them and ask the friend if there is an issue she didn’t realize. As a Mom, I am not going to call an acquaintance to ask that my daughter be invited their child’s get together, for any reason. Either it was an honest mistake on the parent’s part, we can’t all keep track of everyone or everything. Or, they really didn’t want her there- so that’s fine. Then I ask my younger daughter how she has been treating her “friends”, and find out that maybe she hasn’t always been the nicest. So.. she better start working on that! It is just as bad to be the helicopter parent that pushes for inclusion in a group, because you will never be accepted if they don’t want you. Have your child go out of their way to find the other lonely kid in the lunchroom and strike up a new friendship. 🙂
I was excluded as a young girl. There was only one other girl in my neighborhood and every summer the granddaughter of a neighbor came down to visit. I always looked forward to spending time with both, but it rarely happened, as they made plans that never included me. Now, both are teacher of sorts… makes me wonder about their “inclusion” philosophy now. I am sure they have never given a single thought to how their actions affected me- but that, along with the “in” clique in high school made me hard and I closed off my heart to everyone but a very few close friends. My mother was no help, of course, being a bully in her own way, but no one ever noticed. My heart breaks for young girls today who are mistreated solely for someone else’s entertainment, and that is all it is plan and simple. And you were very right in that mean, superficial girls become mean, superficial moms. Too bad everyone eats the crap they spew about “caring” for others. If they cared for others they would not exclude others. PERIOD. I have 2 daughters and they have hearts of gold. We have never excluded anyone intentionally. In fact, we have made points to include people that others didn’t like, because my daughter did like them and we were not leaving them out. A dose of their own medicine is the best eye opener.
I think every adult, young adult, and youth should read this and become educated. This article is just about not leaving anyone out. I am NOT a mom but I am an adult woman that hears, reads, and acknowledges that I need to know this because I have nieces, nephews, little cousins and work with and around kids that must read this. We need to change the whole way we interact with one another. I experienced being left out, excluded and being the out cast through out my childhood but I can’t lie I see the benefit of being left out some times. you learn to make your own decisions and not be a follower. My mom taught me that when I would go home and cry or complain about not being included. The after effects we are seeing made on children today are horrific. But I am glad someone noticed and is blogging and sharing with others about how wrong it is to exclude others and for parents to teach by example.
It doesn’t just happen to females. Now that kids are raising in a no fighting environment, boys will also take on social bullying. My son was a target through most of his school years until he graduated. We had those umbrella parties, but many chose not to come or show up at the partiy. Finally we pared the list down to more likely candidates for friends, most of them from other towns. My son met new friends through sports and still has them. They worship him and enjoy their times together. When you live in a small town, whatever stigmas are attached to you in younger years are hard to shake off. My son had a speech delay which made it hard to communicate in his younger years where many friendships are forged. We were able to overcome the speech problem after surgery and lots of physical therapy. Now that he;s in college as a freshman, he has lots of friends who know nothing of his past problems so he was able to wipe the slate clean. He has quite a few groups of teens who hang out with him and do great activities like sports, dining out, going to special events. If I hadn’t pushed him into the sports in other towns , who knows how he would have turned out with all this negativity around him.
I liked a lot of things about this article– I agree that girls can be really mean and that it does really stink to be left out and that mother’s get too involved in manufacturing and managing their kids social activities. The story about the Mom with the rope, is completely appalling, I often wonder about the audacity of people who have no self awareness. Speaking of which, I need to call you out on your own. While I think it was nice of you to have a party for the entire grade, you in fact were doing the same thing as the other mothers in terms of “social engineering” Your motivations were seemingly better spirited than some of the other engineers that you mention but it was engineering none the less. The fact is in life, there is nothing that everyone is invited to — that is not reality. I am not expert in this area but what I have found works is teaching your kids that they are not going to be invited to everything and that sometimes people want to spend time with certain people and not others and that while it might hurt a little, it is normal and a part of life. I don’t expect my kids to include every one around them in everything that they do, but what I expect is for them is to be kind, think of others feelings and treat everyone around them with respect and compassion. On a similar but related note, I think much of this Girlilla Warfare (great name by the way) is poor self esteem and lack of communication. I am often flabbergasted by my daughter and her group of friends, for the most part they are very close and act very kindly to each other but there are times when I am surprised at their seemingly level of closeness how they struggle to communicate their feelings with each other. I see this particularly when they are upset with one another, instead of talking about it, they put up walls and make assumptions about what the other is thinking, then everything turns into a fireball of misunderstanding. We need to teach our kids (girls and boys alike) that it is ok to disagree with our friends or tell them if they don’t like how something is going with their friendship. We need to teach them to own their feelings and advocate for themselves in their friendships and in their lives, if we keep stepping in and calling parents, or teachers or the principals, our kids will never learn to stand up for themselves. Stepping in too much subjugates kids and makes them feel that they don’t have the power to do it themselves. With that said, there are times that they might need a little parental help, but these should be few and far between and a last resource. These are just a few things I think, you may not agree, but it is much deeper than having a party and inviting everyone, it is teaching our kids how to treat others respectfully and empowering them to be confident in themselves. They will stumble, they will be left out, it is all part of their journey. So I think we agree that it is their journey, not ours, we are just their guides along the way. in addition we are all human, they will make mistakes and so will we, they key is compassion for everyone– even those that we harshly judge for social engineering — they have a story and a journey too
Lisa, it seems that I am the only one who read this and disagreed with you.
Of course the woman on the bus is a jerk for what she did; but the fact that the world is full of jerks who will hurt your feelings is an immutable reality of society. Trying to right this wrong might make you feel good, but it doesn’t prepare your child for the real world. These kids don’t want your child in their group, or their parents have manipulated them into thinking that they don’t. That is tough to change. Why not teach your daughter not to care what others think who do not care about her? Why not teach her to make friends with people that do care about her? Why not teach her to register complaint with these girls on her own behalf and fix the situation on her own? Teach her some sort of coping skill, other than “my Mommy will throw a special party where everyone in the world gets along like family” as her way to deal with the unfortunate aspects of teenage society. Isn’t it the lack of these coping skills, and the focus and drama that parents like you put on these situations by trying to fix them that cause kids to commit suicide? Your social engineering might feel kinder, but I think that it’s crueler to your own child in the long run.
There is a measure of bulling you introduce when you create pressure on kids to include everyone. So many women seem quick to slap the “mean girl” tag on any kid or group that makes their child feel mistreated; justified or not. If my daughter and her friends want to spend time together on a bus, and that makes your child feel badly, is that always my child’s fault? Is it her responsibility to make every girl feel included by her? She might look confident and popular to you, but she’s a little girl too trying to figure out how the world of social interaction works. That’s hard enough, without her having to raise your child for you.
Most of the time when I see a mother upset that her child is unjustifiably mistreated, I learn from the kids that the treatment is quite justified. If your daughter says hurtful things and my daughter doesn’t want to spend time with her, my daughter is not wrong. I teach her to befriend people who treat her well, and be cordial and avoid those who don’t. Because your child targets my daughter and her group because they think it’s the “Aâ€? crowd, it is not their responsibility to include her if she’s not nice to them. I notice that you were quick to label the kids into groups. Maybe you are teaching your child to be a social climber, when you should be teaching her to treat people in a nicer way that will allow her to attract real friends, not show friends that will get her included in Facebook posts.
i must emphasize this is totally not just a “girl” issue..my 12 year old son has been such a victim of this behavior. he is a wonderful kid, funny, smart and good athlete and always a part of the big group of boys he has known since pre-k. i as a result have always been quite friendly with their moms..my son and i included in every event etc, there was an incident a year ago where my son stood up for himself when one of the boys , said something to him about not being a “good enough athlete” after that the mother was upset with him and started separating her son from mine…and all the others followed, since this boys mom is popular in our town because she is wealthy and has lots of parties etc
the boys just ignore him now and it has been a year , they are not necessarily mean , because i think they still like him , but he is never included in anything, and neither am i with the moms.
it has been a very difficult and confusing year for both of us..we are lucky to have a big family and he gets so much loving support from them…and i am trying to get him to branch out and become friendly with others , but he is insistent about staying with his friends he has known all his life. i know with time things will work out but this has been quite a hurdle , and i am amazing at how not one of these boys or their moms have done the “right ” thing
Narcissists never do the “right” thing (unless it’s for show) because they have no integrity. This country has become infested with these morally disordered beings.
This is for the winter birthday party. Have a soup party. Everyone dresses in warm clothes and brings a hot soup and the host grills hotdogs. Play music so they can dance and stay warm. I have been to a couple with adults and they have been fun. they can be held in a garage and driveway.
Of course this make an assumption that ones self worth is to then be defined by others. If I could do anything for kids, it is to give them months of solitude to free them from any need for others, have them love who they themselves are then most of this awkward social stuff would go away. Relationships in any form are evil as they all are based on assumptions. When you know and love yourself you do not have “relationships” you simply “relate” who you are in the moment. I spent years in social solitude (in my teens) to practice meditation and found myself and no longer need others approval, once you love yourself you stop looking for others to love you. It is ones light that draws others to them, you want friends?Learn how to shine from with in!
Synopsis! I can relate to this! I would have appreciated some parental direction when I was in puberty! My parents had to work and my older sister was in charge of my activities! I made a lot of mistakes and had it not been for mentoring by several of my teachers I would have gone down the wrong path! I was able to pull myself up and into college prep classes in 10th grade and never looked back! Too much involvement by parents is worse than not enough! Parents should set an example for their kids not don’t do as I do, do as I say! Most kids don’t want to be like their parents the idiot woman “roping off a section of bus seats sounds mental! Kids have to learn from their mistakes Sadly in todays social climate they don’t have a lot of latitude and one major mistake will dictate all future efforts and will be attached for the rest of their lives! If parents want to micromanage their kids they need to be able to afford a private school and or a para milatery institution! Good luck!
If I didn’t know better, I would think you had a direct line to my house. I realize this article is two years old, but you have hit the nail on the head. It is delicate balance of guiding our children by example and completely engineering their social lives (and status). My daughter is one who falls between the cracks: on dance team, makes great grades, has a few friends (but no “group”), is a little on the shy side, but kind to everyone. Middle School is brutal for her. She is left out of so many social activities orchestrated by these mothers. It is truly painful for my child (and a few others). Kudos to you for making the call! I will take that step the next time an opportunity presents itself.
It is crucial for our children to be raised by responsible adults, not by their peers. Children raising children is the blind leading the blind. Check out the book, “Hold On to Your Kids” by Neufeld, Ph.D. and Mate, M.D. It stresses the importance of parents being the compass point for their children, rather than having children be peer-oriented.
“The problem I told my friend (whose daughter was dumped) is that all those moms were just so happy (relieved) that their own daughter was included that they were “afraidâ€? to go to bat for another kid”.
Interesting and something I didn’t think about before. It is very sad that these young impressionable girls have to deal with this at such an earlier age than I remember it happening. I am so happy that mine found “herself” in Middle School and met a group of great girls that have the same interests as her.
Grade school was a pretty bad experience for her and when I went to the school about bullying, I was told that they couldn’t do anything about it because it was mostly happening on the bus! When she came home with bruises on her back from a girl kicking her in choir, then they finally did something. Although that something was to call all of the girls in a room and basically make my daughter feel like it was her fault.
She dealt with the “summer friend” who hung out with her all summer and then dropped her when school started. She also had the friend who didn’t invite her to parties even though the rest of the class was invited and then that Mom was put out when her daughter wasn’t included in something that we did and actually called me to say her daughter was upset!
Next year is High School and I am really hoping my daughter stays with this current set of friends and continues to grow into a caring, talented, beautiful, compassionate young lady. i know their will be bumps along the way, but hopefully not anything like grade school!
As the father of a wonderful 6th grade girl, this article made me both angry and sad. Angry at the parents who allowed their kids to bully others with social stigma, and sad that so many kids are “out” of the inside group. We heard an NPR report several years ago about a gradeschool that started a rule 25 years ago where if any kid asked another if he/she could play with them, the second child MUST say yes. They interviewed adults who had gone through that school when they were younger, and they talked about how life changing that was – and how hard it was as a young child to be inclusive. We started that same rule with our own kids, and added one of our own: when there’s a new kid in school, we expect our children to be the first one to be friendly with them and ask them to play. One or two children acting this way can change a class – even an entire school. We know it’s hard on them sometimes, but we’ve heard from other parents how important it is for their own kids to experience this. And I’ve never been prouder of my daughter than when some girls tried to exclude a friend of hers from their play group, and she responded, “If you don’t want to play with him, then I don’t want to play with you!” Raising strong, inclusive children is our most important responsibility as parents, IMHO.
Great article. I am a mom of a 5 year old and baby girl and I am already dealing with this at the pre-k level. I am also a psychotherapist. Watching how the other moms allow their children to publicly shun my daughter it has become clear to me this is why bullying has gotten to the level it has. As adults we don’t give a clear message anymore about what’s acceptable because of the fear of stepping on toes, or the idea that we shouldn’t get involved in other peoples parenting. While I believe it’s true to an extent, as adults we should all be sending clear messages to our kids at that moment about what’s okay and what’s not. It floored me that at the end of the year the mom whose daughter orchestrated a campaign against my daughter actually said to me my daughter is so mean, I hated the mean girls growing up! I didn’t know what to say in the two minutes before our kids came out – like how about corecting your daughter when you see her intentionally hurt other children. What’s sad is we informed the pre-k teacher and she helped a little but essentially said it was our daughters fault because of her personality. However, the damage was done with the rest of the class. Walking into school I heard little 4 year olds say things like I can’t be your friend because I’m friends with “mean girl”. My nanny even said to me when she first started helping with transport, boy some of those moms are mean aren’t they- as they were openly talking about how angry and disgusted that one of the kids had lice when every parent was there for pick up. Breaks my heart to see my 5 year old crying at night that people think she is terrible. Well, I chose to be one of the parents that corrects my kid when she tries to be mean back. What’s sad is she is not a kid that’s like that. She wants to be friends with ALL people, and I mean that literally. But as she has been shunned and hurt, she has tried out some of the same behaviors. I correct her immediately and in front of the other parents – we are kind to everyone. What’s sad is the pre k teacher started our somewhat supportive, but when the issues started to get bad again she literally said to us that there is no teasing in her class! I just said to her that it wasn’t true and I have seen it with my own eyes….no response. The social observe therapist in me had been really fascinated by this as a parent. I work with some local schools, so I am hoping that I will have an opportunity to do some public education about it, but I will keep modeling kindness and acceptance. And I have no problem saying kindly to another child, it hurts to be left out….
Great article! Based on this post, you may find the upcoming Dateline NBC program to be VERY informative. (I’m scheduled to be on it). Can read details on my blog: http://stacysnotes.com/2015/06/02/teachable-moments-dateline-nbc/
I read this and have been crying over it. My daughter is five and just finished pre-k. Her teacher announced how this is the first year were all the kids were friends and I cannot imagine them not at that age. It scares me to think what is to come then.
This is such a great article. I am at the “beginning” of my journey, as my daughter is very young. Interestingly, we have a mother who has created a “Social Rope” for her own child. She manages to get special treatment, front row seats and first entry at every event; she has managed to have her child’s daily lateness and weekly absences from school expunged and absolved from every rule for attendance; no other parent ever has a chance to talk to the classroom teacher or who is in charge at an event because this mom is always usurping all of their time, until they have no time left for anyone else; while other parents are “banned” from the classroom because it is disruptive to the children and counter-productive to their developing independence, this parent roams freely within the classroom and halls, ingratiating herself into the gongs-on and rituals that the rest of us can only watch from outside the doors of the school. Not only do we other parents see it, but our children, boys and girls alike, comment on it and question why we can’t do the same. It is very sad to see this parent creating her own insular existence for her child, who is, sadly, suffering because of it. What is saddest is that this child is going to be EXACTLY the exclusionary, cliquey girl that is referenced in this article. Hopefully, the rest of us moms can help our own children grow into welcoming young people who don’t fall prey to this type of behavior!
Thanks for posting this. My daughter went to a small parochial elementary/middle school and had the misfortune to start there in 5th grade, after the small class had already formed their allegiances. I saw her go from a happy, confident child to a sad and morose one, and to this day, she still struggles with the issues that were engendered by the other kids’ rejection. It didn’t help that we were not members of the parish or even Catholic, so the sorts of social bonds that were formed were between mostly the kids whose parents did go to that church and who had been together in the one class since kindergarten. My other kids fared better because they started younger. I look back on that time and wished I had tried throwing a few parties myself, but we’ve never been “party” people and did not hold yearly birthday parties for our kids like most of the parents. I agree, invite all, or don’t have parties at all or don’t hand out the invitations at school.
I moved to a small town to raise my daughter as a single mom ,from a city after divorce .I had hopes of a happy life for my daughter and I. We have been here 10 years ,and we are still without friends to spend time with. Since day One of kindergarten, Girl Scouts,Sports , we have been excluded from The Clique .We went trick or treating when my daughter was 6 alone , and we’re sobbed by an entire trailer of parents and kids trick or treating as a group. No matter how helpful I was as a parent with school,sports or Scouts activities, We were never included socially. Mom’s actually snob me in the grocery and my daughter is left out at school,not allowed to evens it at the lunch table with The Popular Girls. My daughter is not a cheerleader ,not in sports ,not fitting into the look of a Bow head or personality of the status group. She is a very pretty,,shy and kind girl, who does not want to be part of such a mean group of girls. My daughter is 14 and suffering through this experience . I can not afford to move to another community .I have a good career ,beautiful home and I love my beautiful area I live in,but the people largely are not so beautiful .I am looking into online schooling ,but sadly, my kid is still alienated socially. The world socially has become status driven and it is hard to bear.
Thank you for this article! I am passionate about battling self esteem issues in teenage girls and you are very right that, as mothers, we tend to forget how much power we have in that area because we’re So busy focusing on our own child. I’m so glad this is making it’s way around Facebook and I hope it opens some eyes. Just subscribed to your blog!
Sharing your article with my 14-year-old daughter completely changed her whole outlook about a hurtful situation in her dance group. She changed from coming home in tears night after night and questioning her worth to being confident and happy again. Even better, she is talking about a situation when she was the excluder and how much she appreciates the forgiveness of that particular friend, and she is looking around for kids who might be feeling excluded or just not a part of the group. Wow. Thank you so much.
Love this article!! Here’s my problem…..my daughter has 3 very good friends from out of town. In order to keep the girls together, they dance and go to camp together. The 3 moms are VERY tight (not with me-and I’m ok with that.) However, they very often leave my daughter out of everything from movies to checking out DJs for their upcoming Bat Mitzvahs. My daughter either hears about it from the girls or on social media. IT HURTS! She cries. She thinks the girls don’t like her, but its the lack of thought on the mother’s part. I’ve approached them about this. The most dominant in the bunch told me I have no business knowing what she does with her spare time. Of course I don’t! I don’t care either! But when I call to tell her my child is hurt, crying and feeling left out, I expect some kindness…NOPE! A huge fight began with her telling me that I just want to be right. Well, so does she! That was months ago and things have become worse. They leave my daughter out ALL the time! They just chose a sleep away camp together and then asked me if my daughter wants to go. I had no hand in choosing a camp, date, etc. My daughter sees right through it-she sees herself as an afterthought. Its horrible!! The thing is, these moms don’t think they are doing anything wrong! What’s up with that?
Read about the epidemic of Narcissism in America. Narcissism is not really about vanity. It’s a MORAL disorder and it is widespread. Selfishness and always having to “win” and be “right” are strong red flags of this disorder, which is a seared conscience (no human empathy) Read about what Narissism entails then you will understand what is wrong with these (heartless) “Moms.” And they are breeding more narcissists in their own children by their hideous examples. It’s truly disgusting
My 11 yr old daughter was “ousted” from the group of “popular girls” that she was friends with for 5 years. It was said because I was “too involved” with the girls. I was the only stay-at-home Mom of the group so I was the Mom who did a lot of drop-offs, pick-ups, trips to movies, beach, babysitter on 1/2 days of school, etc. I guess when I helped those Moms by always being available that wasn’t “too involved”. What they didn’t like was that I gave their daughters advice, WHEN ASKED. However, my suggestions were ALWAYS followed with, “but tell your Mom & Dad, or Ask your Mom & Dad”. My daughter was so upset that I apologized to her and wrote a letter to these 5 Moms apologizing to them and promising to step back. My daughter read the letter and thanked me. My daughter asked me for days if any of the Moms called or texted. Not one of those Moms replied to my letter. My daughter’s reaction? She said, “Mom, you did the right thing and I’m proud of you. I feel sorry for those Mom’s who won’t accept your apology after all that you’ve done for them and their daughters over these last 5 years. I hope they never make a mistake or want someone’s forgiveness and understanding.” A few months later, we heard from another of my daughter’s friends who told her that she was at one of the girl’s homes when the letter arrived. The Mom saw my return address label and tore up my letter (as she mumbled some curse words) without even opening it. My daughter said, “you just can’t talk to someone like that”! I said yes, it’s called ignorance! Your article is so right!! Sadly, these Moms are just so happy that their daughter is included that they don’t care about someone who is being excluded! It’s, “Better them than me”! Eventually, it WILL happen to their daughter at some point.
Your story reinforces my belief that bullying does not end with high school. Moms like the ones you describe ARE THE PROBLEM. I feel sorry for the man who is married to the one who tore up the letter. She sounds like a real charmer. Someone tries to build a bridge and she burns the bridge while swearing.
I pulled this blog entry up in a search about my daughter being excluded by friends, and yes, the issue has to do with parents. I just wanted to point out…don’t think it is just tweens and teens. My daughter is 8! So sad how parents live their own anxieties out through their children. I appreciate your advice and wisdom. Thanks!
My youngest is 8 as well. The other parents when I have approached the topic simply says its kids being kids. But it would be different if it was their daughter being left out.
It is happening at the elementary level. That is where it starts.
I have two daughters. Both active in sports and theater. They are not “in” either group but have friends in both. They like both worlds for their differences. I let them choose what they wanted to try and I encouraged trying a lot.
But when some of the girls play in front of our house and I encouraged my youngest to go outside to play, they all left when she came out… Twice. Two different days. Saying she was too much of a little girl.
I find I am not equipped to handle the girls drama. As boys, we disagreed, there was a fight, then we were friends again by lunch. But we (boys) needed more people to play the things we wanted. Hard to play football with two people, or baseball with only three. You need two teams.
Girls love to ice out someone and tell others they are not good enough.
I am struggling to be the best father I can to two girls and deal with this drama. Telling them it will go away or that there will be other friends does little to mend a broken heart of a girl who feel she is not good enough and has no idea why?
My son Michael has a speech delay, and at (almost) four, he is just now starting to speak in full sentences. To top it off, he’s a very tall and bulky kid, so he can get a little rough without meaning to.
I was terrified that he would not be included or miss out on having friends due to these issues, but he was just invited to his first birthday party a little while ago.
I was SO grateful that he was included, and Michael had a wonderful time. I know the “worst” is still ahead of us, but I have hope that people will continue to be as open and caring in the future.
Thank you for your article!
No,I don’t think this is right. I feel for people who are left out, but if you are friends with everyone, then you are friends with no one. The people you invite should be special to the kid. They should not be invited because they will otherwise feel bad. I agree that we should stop social engineering And forcing kids to invite anyone they wish to exclude IS social engineering. If your kid doesn’t want to be friends with someone, then they don’t. Why not respect that, and trust them? My daughter has a definite aversion to some of the girls in her class, and she definitely has been open in telling her friends that she is uncomfortable around them, and won’t go if they go. Actually, the teacher did ask me to interfere, and I have refused. Kids need to make their own way. Of course there are some kids that I would like my girls to choose, and some kids that I don’t much like myself, but in the end it is up to them.
I can identify with not wanting to associate with people that I don’t like or can’t connect with. As somebody with a history of developmental delays, I was ostracized and made fun of by other kids while growing up, especially in high school. Three years after graduating from high school, at my mom’s suggestion, I went on a trip that was supposedly for adolescents and young adults with learning disabilities, but, as it turned out, the vast majority of these particular people had developmental problems that far surpassed my own. Some of the campers I really didn’t like as people, while others were nice enough, but their problems were way too severe for me to make any kind of connections with. It did not work out for me, but I learned something about myself during that summer that it took a great many years to realize: Spending time alone is far more preferable to me than spending time with people that I either don’t like as people, or simply can’t connect with.
I also learned that finding something that piques my interest is equally important, which, I eventually did. which helped and helps a great deal.
Great article and comments! I have a 16 year old son, He has a great group of friends, guys and girls, and they get together a few times a month, probably about 7 of them. None of them go to his school but used to so they have all stayed pretty close. There is one kid that goes to his school that also knows the group so he has started going with them places. They mostly go to each others houses with a pool or 4 wheelers.This newer kid now has a pool and is inviting everyone over except my son. My son is pretty sure he is not getting asked b/c the pool kid likes a girl that doesnt like him back and she talks to my son more than the pool kid when they are all together. Sounds like a jealously thing but I am furious over this especially since we know the parents of the pool kid and my son and their son have really never had any issues. My son is taking the high road and blowing this off but I feel like I need to bring this up to the pool kids mom, she should know better. But these kids are all 16 and the last thing I want to do is look like a doting mom. Help!
What do you do as the parent of the child often not included? I am often tempted to say something but do not because i think it would be just as detrimental to guilt someone into including my child and embarrassing for my child for me to speak for them.
Hi Jacki,
Help your child cultivate a strong sense of internal identity and get him or her into activities outside of school with kids from other schools. Help your child master something such as a sport or an artistic skill. Plan for college and get your child excited about the future. Most of all, explain to your child that he or she is the strong one and not those who exclude. Tell him or her that people who exclude are deeply insecure, small, petty, and broken people. Teach your child how to rise above and not be small, petty, and insecure like the ones who exclude others.
My daughter has always gotten invited to her friends party but this year we suspect she has not been invited this year. It is very hurtful and I am concerned how hurt my daughter feels. Its very sad when your child is excluded and unfortunately it usually bc of the parents. So sad.
My daughter has a group of friends, and one of the Moms insisted on meeting for coffee last year with myself and another Mom because there was a girl in their class who was being quite rude to all the other girls. This Mom wanted to talk about ways we could empower our girls to stand up to this girl and also maybe confront the Mom of the girl. We did talk about ways we could get our kids to stand up to her, and nothing really changed throughout the school year. Then this school year starts, and I find out my child was not invited to the coffee-inviter Mom’s child’s party – but the “mean girl” was invited. I am pretty shocked to say the least.
lOVED THE ARTICLE! THANK YOU! Exclusion is so difficult.
I hurt and hurt because my daughter keeps getting excluded. I keep coming back to this website for help. Thank you! I do think moms care about social status. They don’t care about the excluded child as long as their child is included.
I tried hosting an open to everyone graduation dinner at a local restaurant and a mom organized another dinner and invited everyone but me and the other mom who was co-hosting with me so no one is coming to our dinner.
We have just had similar….a mum in our class arranged tickets for cool birthday treat for boys in class but we got the text saying she was doing this for her sons birthday but heads up your son is not invited !!!! We have always gone out of way to be good to family, looking after the kids after school, giving lifts ( which never returned ) and although the boys wouldn’t be best of friends they mix with same kids in and out of school..never ever would I have dreamt of leaving this or any boy out !!!!! This mother works in childcare profession so should know better how cruel it is.To me she is a bully and has stepped into the boundary of abuse. At least we are in final year of this school and our son will not be going to same school as this boy or where she works.
I am so sorry. I was left out as a kid. I grew up in a VERY rich neighborhood but my parents were poor. By the time I was six years old, I realized this. I’d call up classmates and ask them to come over to play. They’d always say “no”. They didn’t want to play with a poor kid who wore old clothes and didn’t live in a nice home. It really shattered my innocence as a child to realize that I was being rejected and wouldn’t have any playmates or be invited to parties. I wish these weren’t my memories but they are. Social engineering in school is terrible but I don’t know what can be done about it.
Yes, such a good article. It just happened a few weeks ago…. And it hurts the child and the mom especially when the parents/kids are supposed to be good “friends”. Lesson learned the hard way.