By Lisa Barr
A friend called me up a while back and said, “I need to talk to you. Lunch? Today?”
She sounded upset. I canceled my wax and I met up with her in a sushi restaurant off the beaten track.
“Hannah,” I said, foregoing the small talk. “What’s wrong?”
She rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. “This is going to sound so stupid, so totally Junior High-ish. I’ve been really hesitating to say something to you BUT … this woman — do you remember Jennifer? Basically, she’s gone after all my friends and tries to steal them … I feel like she’s stalking me, and I’m afraid you’re next on her hit list.”
“How do you know she’s going after me?” I asked. “And who is Jennifer?”
“Well, she met you and your husband briefly at my son’s bar-mitzvah, and she asked me for your phone number. She wants to go out with you guys and ‘fix’ her kids up with your kids because they are all around the same age.” Hannah looked embarrassed. “I kind of ignored it. You know, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but you are my ‘GO TO’ friend, and honestly, this is the fifth or sixth person in my life that she’s gone after.”
She put down her chop sticks: “Okay, it’s one thing to say ‘Hey, let’s ALL get together’ — but THAT GIRL makes these ‘side plans’ with MY friends and leaves me out. It’s making me crazy, and it’s just too much.”
I gave Hannah a hug, and said, “I TOTALLY understand. I’m onto her. And no worries, I’m YOURS.”
And so goes THE FRIENDSHIP THIEF … she is out there, lurking, ready to pounce on your friends — close friends, mommy friends, history friends — those people in YOUR world who belong to YOU. There are so many scenarios but all have the same consequence: It hurts.
My motto, and perhaps yours, has always been: You can take the shirt off my back, knock the coffee from my hand … but if you touch my best friend — I will have to kill you.
I spoke to another friend of mine, and he said, “My wife talks about this subject all the time. It kills her. ‘How did they get to be BFFs? They just met. It is so irritating.'” His voice lowered. “It sounds like it’s a Girl Thing, but it’s not. It happens with guys too. Believe me.”
“It’s one thing to steal a friend,” he added. “But it’s another to steal them and then to exclude you from plans … I mean C’mon – I was the hub, don’t I get a little nod or right of first refusal? I feel silly saying this but, there is a bit of a strange feeling that borders sympathy and anger – where the only words that seem to come to my mind are: “What … you can’t make your own friends? You need to glom onto mine?”
Tom rolled his eyes. “And Facebook only exacerbates the issue when you see the “Newlyweds” frolicking publicly with XO’s and OMGs and LOVE YOUs … YOU LOVE THIS PERSON who I just introduced you to at a cocktail party?”
* * *
Friendship Thieves are ageless and timeless. A big “hit” that stood out in my life was when I was in college, and a very close friend of mine traveled with another friend (a Reknown Friendship Thief) to California. The two of them met up with my good friend’s boyfriend (who I had fixed her up with) and my ex-boyfriend who I still hadn’t gotten over (who she fixed up with The Thief for the weekend). That secret trip was a potent combo of thievery and “friendship murder” — the betrayal with that Friendship Thief cut too deeply and ruined our relationship for good.
Most cases are not as “severe” — it usually hinges on a Friendship Thief moving in on YOUR friends and asking them for plans without you, leaving you with the hollow feeling of “but she is MY friend … I can’t believe they are going without ME.”
A Girl Bond, especially at our age and our level of busy-ness, is irreplaceable and sacred. It’s the phone number you don’t want to give out because it’s precious. A Thief-in-Action can almost feel as bad as someone hitting on your husband.
But what if The Thief is a New Girl in the neighborhood and she needs to make friends? How does she start? And how do you not block her from meeting new people AND not letting her move in on your PEEPS simultaneously?
As my shrink might say, let’s examine this with the wisdom we have accumulated. I would define “wisdom” as a “collection” of years of experience beginning with Junior High Alpha-Terrorism, High School Bitches, Sorority Back-Stabbing, 20s Tug O’ War Dating (The I Saw HIM First factor…), 30s Mama Drama (no need to be defined), and now in our 40s … the so-called wisdom has landed.
We might just want to look at a Friendship Thief through different lenses:
A Friendship Thief is lonely.
Perhaps a Friendship Thief earns her reputation because he/she has a hard time making friendships on her own. And many times, the Friendship Thief is someone really nice but insecure. My advice: Help the Friendship Thief walk away with “something” — a few pearls but NOT the Family Jewels.
First, communication is key. Hannah, though embarrassed, shared her feelings with me. She trusted me enough to know that I would hear her out, and help her find a solution. Say “Jennifer” did call me without telling Hannah first. This is what I would say: “I would love to meet you for coffee BUT let’s invite Hannah too. It would be a lot of fun.”
The “stealing” is thwarted, and you have established a boundary. I like you, but I will not hurt Hannah, no matter what.
If Hannah says, “I can’t make it that day — but you two go have coffee anyway.” Then, it was Hannah’s choice. If Hannah says, “I can’t make it, so let’s reschedule.” You Reschedule.
Back to Tom.
Facebook is great in so many ways but it is truly where the fakest of relationships reside. Be aware that Facebook is the stomping grounds of Friendship Thieves — all those cyber-relationships just waiting to be taken. Remember, whatever you “Comment” to a friend’s friend — your REAL friend is going to notice, read … and feel.
Beware if YOU are an Un-KNOWING Thief — making the moves on your friend’s friends, and not realizing how much that could hurt her/him. If you are open with your friend and say something like — “I met Liz, and she is also in advertising. Would you mind if I called her to have lunch?” I would bet nine times out of 10, if your friend is consulted … no one feels “robbed.”
Above all, remember that real Friendships — the good ones — can’t be bought or sold; they are earned, unbreakable, and truthfully, if they are worthy, they simply can’t be stolen.
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I think everyone on some level has experienced this. A small amount of it is natural, it is nice to have shared friends. However there is a process with boundaries, and some grown ups just plain dont have them. I wholeheartedly agree with this article. Ive also had my eyes roll around in my head when i introduce 2 friends and accidentally bump into them a month later in a restaurant when they are out for dinner as couples. COME ON! You dont even know each other and youre already jumping in bed. And even that is usually one sided. The friendship thief is usually quite comfortable. Its the other person thinking “why did I say yes? why am i here? why isnt my friend who introduced us here? and this is very awkward”. It rarely sticks. I have a friend who was making plans and leaving me out and I simply said “Im surprised that you had this family over for dinner. We sat home home that night. It would have been thoughtful to have at least received an invitation to come. Youve put all of us in an awkward situation, and going forward Im not going to help you.” They never socialized again. Having said that, if done the right way, I think its a beautiful thing to share friendships and create traditions and memories when it happens naturally and simple etiquette is involved. Otherwise its just plain sneaky and rude.
This article hit home for me. I feel like i have been dealing with friendship stealers since childhood. Difference now is that it hurts more. Either because the people in my life are more important than they were or because I can see how vicious women can be to eachother. Either way, its hurtful and sad to be treated like a second class citizen when you were the original friend. I’ve seen things on Facebook, other friends have told me or I have spied things happening that are very sneaky. I think those friendship stealers are just insecure. They need to make sure that anyone that likes you likes them as well. They are usually the “lets all be friends” or “the more the merrier” type only they don’t see what they are doing as wrong. It would be nice to be considered, to be asked out when they go out with their “new” friends. To be considered when you type the I love you’s and hearts that everyone can see. But like I said I think these people are insecure, they can’t bear the thought of someone being friends with someone without them tagging along. So I try to feel their pain, the reason why they feel so strongly that they need this person in their life. I guess it would be nice for them to feel my pain as well. How awful it feels when I get left out or not asked or just forgotten. My guess is it won’t happen, most of them feel they aren’t a stealer so why take a look inward? As I am writing this I am thinking of friends that are not this way, and there are plenty of them, but they are the ones I should be concentrating on. Not the ones that steal my friends, not the ones that think they do no wrong and not the ones that ultimately will go after this new friend friends and the vicious cycle will continue. No, I am choosing today to focus on the people in my life that choose me. Plain and simple.
I am a guy. I appreciate that men are actually commenting, and sending in ideas to your blog. It isn’t just the chicks that have to worry about friend-stealing. I have had buddies do it too. While men just go more with the flow, we secretly call these people losers, move on, and make fun of them behind their back (real mature, I know).
Good job on keeping it real Gurlilla Gurls!!
I thought I was the only one!!!! I always befriended the new people until they were acclimated and could then venture out to find other friends, introducing them to everyone I know….only to be then out of the loop when they become besties. I feel like a pestilent child but it really hurts. I refuse to stew anymore than I have,lol, over this and I am moving on. Going forward I will be wiser with friends. One last thing, it really hurt when the thief tells you after the fact all the fun they had with your friends without you. Ha! Theses fellows are a trip.
Okay so I’m a guy. I have a really good friend of mine who’s like this. We used to kinda date but not anymore. I used to hang out with this group of seniors who became really good friends of mine. I don’t know how, she also became friends with all of them. Slowly, each and every friend I know became her best friend. And it’s not that she’s lonely. She has lots of friends. And I’ve heard her friend complaining once about her stealing her friends as well.
I thought she was plain mean and a straight up bitch. Reading this post made me realize she IS insecure. Everything makes sense. Thank you.
I also have a friend who once knows I’m getting friendly with another females from a group we’re in , quickly jumps in and asks them to meet up etc: She does this behind my back then likes to tell me that she’s heard off so called new friend and what new friend is doing in her life. As if to say I know more about new friend than you & calls them an awful lot and excludes me out of their meet up.
I’ve come to the conclusion that she wants to be the popular one and seen as the friendly one, plus she must be insecure.
I have (had) a “friend” that did this to me twice, and I am calling it quits with her. She has always been included in all activities of our group of friends, yet has carefully excluded me from hers. I find this out after the fact when she or someone slips up and lets the cat out of the bag. So basically, she uses me and my social status to prey upon my friends for her benefit. She is not lonely or insecure. Quite the contrary. She has her own circle of friends that I am not invited to socialize with, and yet she feels the need to leap frog and hump on mine. She always makes dramatic displays of how much fun she she has without me, and uses my social circle as a base to stage her dramatic performances on how popular she is and how much more fun she would be to hang with. After a recent incident, when she hijacked a group outing and deliberately put me in a difficult situation by changing plans at the last possible second without informing me (this is the day of texting and cellular phones after all), I can safely say she is just a plain 2 dressed up as a 7, and a huge bitch on top of that. I won’t be inviting her to any more get-togethers, and I have warned my friends about her. This will stop the drama she loves to create from crossing my door and form putting my friends in an awkward sitiuation that will lead to hurt feelings all around. Sneaky friend poaching is never ok, as these are people you are supposed to be able to trust. If that trust is breached, you have every right to cut them off without explanation. They never cleared what they did with you in the first place, so you don’t woe them one. They know what they are doing, so don’t let them get away with it. Anyone who would do something so subversive and hurtful is not your friend, so stop treating them like one.