By E.J. Gordon
The best part of a girls’ weekend is the uninterrupted talking. There are no children asking you for one more piece of chocolate, no husbands wanting you to get off the phone and into bed, no late phone calls from the mom from tomorrow’s playdate who wants to switch it from her house to yours … just girl time. And of course, what do we talk about? Our husbands, our kids, our kids’ friends’ moms … but it’s uninterrupted. Sometimes, though, the topics can be much more interesting …
Several years ago on one of these girls’ trips, one of my friends looked at the rest of us and said, “Ok, my husband wanted me to bring this topic up because we got into a huge fight about it. He told me, ‘Ask your friends. They’ll tell you I’m right.'”
So what was the topic? PORN.
Apparently, my friend had noticed that in her browser history, there were a number of porn sites visited. At this point in time her kids were too young to be at the computer, so her concern was not that her son was looking at it or that he would find it by accident. Her concern was that her husband was kind of cheating on her by looking at the porn. His response was that every guy does it. My response was, “duh.” But some of the other women disagreed and felt like it was unacceptable behavior from a married man.
One was adamant; she emphatically said, “Mine does not watch it. Period.”
So then, from the beach, we called my husband since he and I were so open and accepting of it. “Hey, Babe, the girls want to know if every guy watches porn, or if it’s possible that some married men do not.”
His response: “We ALL watch it. If someone tells you he doesn’t, he is lying. Or gay. And then, he’s probably watching gay porn. So he’s just lying.”
Clearly, my husband doesn’t speak for every man. He can’t possibly know this, but he knew that all of HIS friends did. The only thing that separated the ones from telling their wives about it from the ones that didn’t were if their wives were the kind of women who would understand.
Unlike the women from my trip who were my sorority sisters and had more conservative backgrounds, some of my more local friends not only readily admit to me that they know their husbands watch it, but they actually have told me that they’ve used porn during their foreplay. (Especially those of us who had fertility issues and needed all the external motivation we could get.) Some of my girlfriends even cop to really enjoying it themselves.
Now it’s been quite well-established that I’m no prude, but I do have some issues with porn. First, obviously it objectifies women. Much of the hardcore porn have women being portrayed as humanoid sex addicts who are good for one thing, and it’s not grocery shopping.
These portrayals have been known to become a little too real in the fantasies of some men. Serial killers are well-documented to be huge fans of porn. Second, as I always try to point out to my husband, which makes him crazy, many of these actresses are horribly desperate and have histories of sexual abuse. And I emphasize to him, that no matter what it looks like, THEY DO NOT ENJOY THIS! Third, I get nervous about this phenomenon called “porn creep” — which is when the guy can’t get it up unless he is watching porn, like in that episode of Sex And The City when Miranda’s partner is watching porn while having sex with her. Fourth, it’s crap. I mean what woman really wants a man to ejaculate on her face?
Those concerns aside, porn is ubiquitous. You don’t even have to sneak to Superb Video to buy the DVDs anymore. You can go right on to YouPorn and type in your taste preferences, and boom … porn right there in the den. So really, anyone could be watching it without even worrying about where to hide it, like the dirty magazines my brother used to hide beneath his mattress or the label-less Betamax tapes my parents used to keep on top of their closet shelves (I mean, really, Mom and Dad? Like we couldn’t get at them with a chair?).
So I have come to realize that no amount of ‘Poor Porn Actress’ stories are going to veer my husband, or anyone else’s, away from it. I accept it; this way I’m not lied to about it.
A few months ago I picked up the iPad from my hubby’s side of the bed and turned it on. Suddenly, an absolutely disgusting visual (from an angle that none of us are really meant to see) popped up. I said to my husband, “Seriously??” His response? “You weren’t home.” I guess I should be at least grateful for that.
Is it possible that your husband is NOT watching it, not lying about, and not, as my husband would assert, gay? Of course. Some men are strong in their religious faith and are disciplined enough not to watch it. And there are always some men who like clean girls, and that dirty imagery doesn’t turn them on. I don’t know any guys like that, but sure, it’s possible.
My point is this: He probably IS watching it. But banning him from using it will result in lies and fighting.
You’re better off just having some boundaries, like I do:
Boundary 1: Clear your browser history so the kids don’t see it.
Boundary 2: No porn in the bedroom when I am around. It makes me feel like I’m not enough.
Boundary 3: Recognize that these are male fantasies; I don’t want to be touched the way the paid, abused actress is. (AKA: Never cum on my face.)
Truth be told, porn can actually be used in your favor. You and your partner can search for ideas for your own sexcapades, especially if you guys aren’t particularly creative.
You can search the top fantasies, see what turns you on, and act them out. (This is actually quite useful for Hotel Sex, Anniversary Sex, Valentine’s Day Sex, First Sex After Being Done Nursing, First Sex After a Big Dry Spell …)
Lately I’ve had a couple of men ask me: ‘How is a man’s use of porn any different than a woman getting all hot from Fifty Shades of Grey and then either pleasuring herself or closing the book and turning toward her husband for relief?’
Is it different? Well, Fifty is just as unrealistic … I mean, how many women actually find that their boyfriends have deposited $50,000 into their checking account without their knowledge? And how many women actually would be as indignant as Anna was? It’s objectifying of men … his “smoldering gray gaze” and the way his ripped jeans hung “just so”. (Oh, Fifty!)
Women are romantic; we get turned on by the storyline. Men are visual, they get turned on by watching the enormous fake boobies (with scars very visible on HD). Can we accept that it’s kind of the same?
Can we accept that one man’s Debbie Does Dallas is another woman’s Christian Grey Braids My Hair And Makes Me Eat More?
If you can’t accept this, and you really can’t accept your husband watching porn, here’s some advice: Don’t ask him about it.
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Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: Okay, so a few interesting things happened today. I got a letter from an East Coast reader who said, “Thank God, I read your article first thing this morning” … she discovered her hubby’s porn history on their computer and said instead of “losing it” she used E.J.’s Boundary Points — particularly “the erase your history — I don’t want to see what you’re looking at” point. It led to an open and productive discussion between the couple. Earlier in the morning, while getting coffee, I ran into 2 Dads who’d read the blog. And interestingly, both had been in their pasts avid porn surfers BUT they said now that they have teenage girls it has really changed their perspective on porn — seeing things not solely through a man’s eyes RATHER through a Dad’s eyes … way diifferent … Anyway, food for thought. xoxo Lisa
Interesting about the dads… while writing this piece, I checked in with one of my girlfriends who had told me years ago that she enjoyed porn along with her husband, and she confessed that now that she has daughters, she can’t watch it anymore. It’s amazing how our perspective changes when we have children. As an adult, I can’t believe that I used to watch my parents’ porn when I was in elementary school – it was quite an education, and not in a good way!
Sadly uptight!! EJ, Grow up
I still believe porn has a positive role in ones sex life. Especially a married couple. For some men, watching other people have sex is erotic. I guess for some woman reading about it is erotic. I love the analogy to fifty shades. Sometimes we all need a little extra something to get our juices flowing.
Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: This came anonymously to my email. See below:
From “R” —
First of all….I feel that the 50 shades trilogy is not the end all lustful,
OMG, X-rated women’s PORN. I have enjoyed on occasion porn, with or without my
husband/partner. I hear that you and your friends have different views as there
are 31flavors, I respect all points of views. I agree with your husband in the
fact that every guy watches. In my practice, both men and women enjoy it on
occasion, some more then others.
The comment about, “What woman really wants a man to ejaculate on her face?” You
made me laugh.
Let me tell you I like it, as many of my clients, friends and relatives like it
as well. So back to the 50 shades commentary, if that was crazy sex to you and
your sorority gals, I feel as if there is some frigid behavior happening in that
realm. My sex life is way sexier and romantic than all three books put together.
Most of my friends felt the same. Found it a good story but BORING!
I teach boundaries for a living and the boundaries or limits you post on this
subject can be easier verbalized.
The way In which some women feel as degrading, I understand, some porn out
there is pure crap and clearly for that purpose. If these women feel degraded by
all porn especially once in a while with their lover when they are in the act
themselves, it sounds like they may have bigger issue at hand. The insecurity issue
which again, can be talked about to their partner in a vulnerable kind of sexy
way. There is no shame is being vulnerable, it’s attractive!
I must agree with “R” …..vulnerable is so very attractive. I am a fit, fun , attractive married guy with an imagination that my wife can’t seem to handle. Do I watch porn…you bet your as I do, but as said before, I delete my history and I never do it in front of her. I shared my fantasies with my wife years ago….she wasn’t into them…..so we’re does that leave a guy that loves his wife? I get scolded for wanting to stay home from work for a morning to stay and play with her once or twice a month, and she knows I will make it all about her…..in my book women cum first. I haven’t read 50 shades, since I have 20 years of real bd/sm experience I thought it would just be a let down….my advice to all you girls out there, single or married…..take control of the situation, don’t my shy about what you want, and put your needs first…..that’s what most guys do. When I when porn I’m usually thinking about my hot wife and so is your husband…..he’s just waiting for the you he first met. Yeah I know, work, kids, whatever….just make me feel wanted like you used to, not everyday like when we met, but a few times a month, is all I need to keep you in the front of my mind……I want my wife to be MY pornstar