Enough With The Porn — How ‘Bout Us?

By E.J. Gordon

The best part of a girls’ weekend is the uninterrupted talking. There are no children asking you for one more piece of chocolate, no husbands wanting you to get off the phone and into bed, no late phone calls from the mom from tomorrow’s playdate who wants to switch it from her house to yours … just girl time. And of course, what do we talk about?  Our husbands, our kids, our kids’ friends’ moms …  but it’s uninterrupted.  Sometimes, though, the topics can be much more interesting …

Several years ago on one of these girls’ trips, one of my friends looked at the rest of us and said, “Ok, my husband wanted me to bring this topic up because we got into a huge fight about it. He told me, ‘Ask your friends. They’ll tell you I’m right.'”

So what was the topic?  PORN. 

Apparently, my friend had noticed that in her browser history, there were a number of porn sites visited.  At this point in time her kids were too young to be at the computer, so her concern was not that her son was looking at it or that he would find it by accident. Her concern was that her husband was kind of cheating on her by looking at the porn. His response was that every guy does it. My response was, “duh.” But some of the other women disagreed and felt like it was unacceptable behavior from a married man.

One was adamant; she emphatically said, “Mine does not watch it. Period.”

So then, from the beach, we called my husband since he and I were so open and accepting of it. “Hey, Babe, the girls want to know if every guy watches porn, or if it’s possible that some married men do not.”

His response: “We ALL watch it.  If someone tells you he doesn’t, he is lying. Or gay. And then, he’s probably watching gay porn. So he’s just lying.”

Clearly, my husband doesn’t speak for every man. He can’t possibly know this, but he knew that all of HIS friends did.  The only thing that separated the ones from telling their wives about it from the ones that didn’t were if their wives were the kind of women who would understand. 

Unlike the women from my trip who were my sorority sisters and had more conservative backgrounds, some of my more local friends not only readily admit to me that they know their husbands watch it, but they actually have told me that they’ve used porn during their foreplay. (Especially those of us who had fertility issues and needed all the external motivation we could get.)  Some of my girlfriends even cop to really enjoying it themselves.

Now it’s been quite well-established that I’m no prude, but I do have some issues with porn. First, obviously it objectifies women. Much of the hardcore porn have women being portrayed as humanoid sex addicts who are good for one thing, and it’s not grocery shopping.

These portrayals have been known to become a little too real in the fantasies of some men. Serial killers are well-documented to be huge fans of porn. Second, as I always try to point out to my husband, which makes him crazy, many of these actresses are horribly desperate and have histories of sexual abuse. And I emphasize to him, that no matter what it looks like, THEY DO NOT ENJOY THIS!  Third, I get nervous about this phenomenon called “porn creep” — which is when the guy can’t get it up unless he is watching porn, like in that episode of Sex And The City when Miranda’s partner is watching porn while having sex with her. Fourth, it’s crap. I mean what woman really wants a man to ejaculate on her face?

Those concerns aside, porn is ubiquitous. You don’t even have to sneak to Superb Video to buy the DVDs anymore.  You can go right on to YouPorn and type in your taste preferences, and boom …  porn right there in the den. So really, anyone could be watching it without even worrying about where to hide it, like the dirty magazines my brother used to hide beneath his mattress or the label-less Betamax tapes my parents used to keep on top of their closet shelves  (I mean, really, Mom and Dad? Like we couldn’t get at them with a chair?).

So I have come to realize that no amount of ‘Poor Porn Actress’ stories are going to veer my husband, or anyone else’s, away from it. I accept it; this way I’m not lied to about it.

A few months ago I picked up the iPad from my hubby’s side of the bed and turned it on. Suddenly, an absolutely disgusting visual (from an angle that none of us are really meant to see) popped up. I said to my husband, “Seriously??” His response? “You weren’t home.” I guess I should be at least grateful for that.

Is it possible that your husband is NOT watching it, not lying about, and not, as my husband would assert, gay?  Of course. Some men are strong in their religious faith and are disciplined enough not to watch it. And there are always some men who like clean girls, and that dirty imagery doesn’t turn them on. I don’t know any guys like that, but sure, it’s possible.

My point is this:  He probably IS watching it. But banning him from using it will result in lies and fighting.

You’re better off just having some boundaries, like I do:

Boundary 1:  Clear your browser history so the kids don’t see it.

Boundary 2:  No porn in the bedroom when I am around. It makes me feel like I’m not enough.

Boundary 3:  Recognize that these are male fantasies; I don’t want to be touched the way the paid, abused actress is.  (AKA: Never cum on my face.)

Truth be told, porn can actually be used in your favor. You and your partner can search for ideas for your own sexcapades, especially if you guys aren’t particularly creative.

You can search the top fantasies, see what turns you on, and act them out. (This is actually quite useful for Hotel Sex, Anniversary Sex, Valentine’s Day Sex, First Sex After Being Done Nursing, First Sex After a Big Dry Spell …)

Lately I’ve had a couple of men ask me: ‘How is a man’s use of porn any different than a woman getting all hot from Fifty Shades of Grey and then either pleasuring herself or closing the book and turning toward her husband for relief?’

Is it different?  Well, Fifty is just as unrealistic … I mean, how many women actually find that their boyfriends have deposited $50,000 into their checking account without their knowledge?  And how many women actually would be as indignant as Anna was?  It’s objectifying of men … his “smoldering gray gaze” and the way his ripped jeans hung “just so”.  (Oh, Fifty!)

Women are romantic; we get turned on by the storyline. Men are visual, they get turned on by watching the enormous fake boobies (with scars very visible on HD).  Can we accept that it’s kind of the same?

Can we accept that one man’s Debbie Does Dallas is another woman’s Christian Grey Braids My Hair And Makes Me Eat More?

If you can’t accept this, and you really can’t accept your husband watching porn, here’s some advice:  Don’t ask him about it.