“I’ll Have What She’s Having” — Are You FAKING Your Orgasm?

By E.J. Gordon

In my college philosophy class, my professor had two “go-to” examples. Any time he needed to use a concrete idea for extreme evil, he would call on Hitler: “Absolute morality vs. relative morality …  is there a case in which Hitler is not that evil?” On the other hand, any time he needed to use an example for extreme pleasure, he would pull out the ORGASM: “If you were given the opportunity to shoot your entire family in exchange for spending the rest of your life at the pinnacle of orgasm, would you do it?”

While the answer was always no to that one (thereby proving that we are not all hedonists), the lure of the orgasm always got our attention. Late nights at the sorority house my sisters and I would analyze the orgasm … who’s had one? Who hasn’t?

Is it true that there is some sort of special vaginal orgasm, and does it differ from the clitoral orgasm? How do you get your boyfriend to give you one? And of course, have you ever faked it??

Faking It had been brought into the “things we are allowed to talk about” column back When Harry Met Sally. In the movie, over lunch, Sally tried to convince Harry that he would never know the difference if his partner were faking it or really climaxing, and then she proceeded to prove her point by having the most amazing, albeit fake, orgasm in the middle of the restaurant, prompting Billy Crystal’s real-life mom to say the most memorable line of the movie, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Harry was shocked into silence, while all the men in the movie theatre turned to their partners with a raised eyebrow, wondering if they’ve ever been duped too, especially after Sally insisted, “It’s just that all men are sure it’s never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so YOU do the math.”

The reaction most men have at this assertion is WHY? Why in the world would a woman fake an orgasm … doesn’t she want a real one? And if I’m not giving it to her, I’ll never know how to please her if she’s faking it …

Of course I’ve faked it. Not in the last 15 to 20 years, but it has happened. And why did I do it? Because I knew it was the only way to end the session. Maybe I had a boyfriend who would take it a little too personally if I didn’t “finish” and I knew it wasn’t going to happen, so I just faked it. Maybe I just wanted to go to bed. Maybe I was over the guy, but just hadn’t broken up with him yet, and didn’t want to have The Conversation that night.

When I was thinking about this article, I asked a good friend if she ever fakes it with her husband. “Not often, but yes,” she told me. When I asked her to tell me why, she said that there are nights when she knows her husband wants to have sex, and she is too tired, but she doesn’t like to turn him down, so she participates.

If she lets on that she’s not going to climax, it will motivate him to work harder to get her there, but she really just wants to go the fuck to bed. And therein lies the trouble: At times, it’s just not worth it to us to get there.

I get it.

Last summer when the big storm hit and our electricity was knocked out, I remember having an unusually long and hard day. Having no TV to entertain the kids, unable to charge their electronics, having to make instant coffee over my gas stove (the taste bothered me more than the time it took), running the kids to my sister’s for dinner, trying to get them out of there (which is always next to impossible), and then finally getting them home, to bed, without their sound machines, without their closet lights on … it had all taken a lot out of me. The only thing getting me through it was knowing as soon as they were asleep, I would get to go to bed, nice and early.

With my kids finally asleep, I came down the stairs ready to lock up and hit the sack, BUT there stood my husband. He had lit candles all over the room and opened a bottle of wine; he had two glasses all filled up and ready to go. “Hey honey …” he said seductively. “I thought since there was no TV and nothing to do …”

To be clear, I LOVE when he makes an effort. I was NOT going to turn him down when he’d worked so hard and looked so pleased and romantic. So I sighed and said, “All right, but I have to warn you … it’s been a long day, so it’s going to be an uphill battle.”

“Challenge accepted!” he declared, quoting his favorite character, Barney Stinson. And to my husband’s credit, I didn’t need to fake it, but if ever I were, it would have been a night like that … a night when I felt he went out of his way, did something special, and I was just beat.

Aside from wanting to actually be pleased, the other reason I don’t fake it, even in those situations when I might want to, is that I’m afraid he’s going to know, call me on it, and then I’d have to lie to him or cop to trying to pull one over on him.

This actually happened to a friend of mine, but the person faking it wasn’t her — it was her husband.  And when you think about it, that’s kind of worse.

It’s one of those accepted truths that women sometimes fake it, but it’s a whole new kind of insult when a man fakes it, because they are supposed to be the ones to whom it comes easy (or who cum easily).

The way my friend tells it, they were making love, and then she finished, and he didn’t over-engage in the dramatics, but he breathed in a way that was meant to let her think that he did too, and then he stopped.  She felt (in more ways than one) that he hadn’t climaxed, so she asked him, “Um, did you…?”  He, thankfully, was honest in the moment of truth and said, “No. You could tell? It’s not you …  I just keep thinking about this thing at work, and I’m so stressed and distracted.”  She could have gotten super-offended, and while her ego was definitely hurt, she had been there and understood.

But the last thing you want in bed is distrust and insecurity… there is no faster way to compromise the quality of a session.  Your lover doesn’t want to wonder if your responses are authentic.  So what do you do if you try to fake it AND you get busted?

1.  Don’t lie; it will make it worse.  If your partner is asking, he already sort of knows.

2.  Make sure to tell your partner why … if it is because of bad technique, the only way it’s going to get better is to talk about it.  Tell him what will work.

3.  If the reason is your head is not in the game, then say that, and come up with a better way to pre-empt this. For example, if you’re not into it, but he is, offer him oral with no reciprocation.

4.  If the reason you’re faking is because you’re angry with your spouse, it’s time to lay your cards out on the table.

Or better yet, if you feel like you’re not going to reach the Finish Line, instead of faking, simply say, “Babe, it’s not going to happen tonight.  I feel like shit.”  It ends the session and takes the blame off of him and onto you.

And if you happen to be a woman who fakes it more often than not … honey, you’re missing out.

Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: E.J. Gordon is a freelance writer, a regular contributor to GIRLillaWarfare,  and “Sexpert”. Have any questions or topics that you would like her to address? Remember: No subject is taboo, and Anonymity is accepted. Contact E.J. at: EJGordon529@gmail.com.