MAKE-UP SEX — Those Who Have It, Those Who Don’t … and WHY You Should

By E.J. Gordon

I keep hearing about something called “Make-Up Sex”. I’ll be watching a show, and someone will make a comment about a fight they had with a spouse and then the fantastic sex that ensued after making up. I have yet to experience this with my husband. And it’s not because we don’t fight.

When I was growing up, my parents fought all the time, and I hated it. There were many times I thought they’d get divorced or should get divorced. Now in their more advanced age, while I still wouldn’t want to have to live in their marriage, they don’t fight as much; they’ve both chilled out quite a bit.  I have a friend whose parents did get divorced and when it happened she was shocked. I asked, “Didn’t they fight all the time?”  She told me, “No, they never did.  And when I asked them why they couldn’t stay married since they never fought, they told me the reason they didn’t fight was because they were done already.”  There was nothing to fight about, because there was nothing to salvage.

And that’s what married people know:  Fighting isn’t always bad.  Fighting is at the very least communicating.

And while the kids might hate it, and you might hate it, sometimes it just comes to that.  Like when your husband says to his best friend right in front of your daughters, “Can you believe that dumb bitch stole my bike at Spin?  I mean, go get a job.”  So yes, my husband and I fight because we are in a real marriage; we don’t do it a lot, but we get in one really good row at least once a year.  And I tell my kids that while Daddy and I fight, we still love each other … we’re just communicating, and I tell them that fighting every now and then is healthy AND normal.

But when we make up, we don’t have “Make-Up Sex”.  I’ve yet to experience this mythical creature called “Make-Up Sex”.

In fact, after a big fight, even if I finally get him to understand my side, and even if I finally come to see his (ok, this rarely happens), I still harbor so much hostility, that I start thinking I should be serving him more bacon (you know, to clog his arteries … yes, dark, but true).

I sometimes even pop a Xanax so I can let the argument go before I cause any real damage.  But the very, very last thing I want is for him to touch me, let alone give him any pleasure.

Which brings me to why I don’t understand “Make-Up Sex” —  so I decided to find out what it really is all about.

I call a friend to ask her, you know… to research.  “Do you ever have Make-Up Sex?”

Her:  “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Her: “Because we don’t ever fight.”

Me:  “EVER?  Come on, even, like, once a year?”

Her:  “Well, on the rare occasion we fight, no, we don’t have Make-Up Sex.”

Me: “Why?”

Her:  “Because I’m still angry.”

Me:  “Ok, me too… it takes me days to get over it.”

Her: “It takes me a little while, and then when I am over it, I have kids jumping all around my head. I think Make-Up Sex is just for the movies.”

Well, that’s what I was thinking. But as we learned in seventh grade science, you have to test your theories.

So I call another:

Me: “Do you have Make-Up Sex?”

Her: “Of course. Why?”

Me: “What is it, exactly? I’m asking because I hear about it, but I’ve never had it.”

Her: “It’s the touch we need to make it all right.  It’s the physical contact that brings you back to where you were.”

Me: “Do you have it days later or that same night?”

Her: “That same night.”

Me: “But aren’t you still angry?  Don’t you, I don’t know, kind of want to kill him or punch him in the face?”

Her: “We have Make-Up Sex in order to NOT have those thoughts. Like I said, it gets us back to where were were.”

Hmm, there goes my theory about it only being in the movies.  Another friend calls me back right after that conversation, so I ask her too.

Me: “I’m doing research and want to know about Make-Up Sex.”

Her: “What about it?”

Me: “Um, what is it?”

Her: “It’s the reassurance that he still loves me.”

Me: “You’re not still mad?”

Her: “No, it’s how you get over it.  When the fight is over, we move on, and so it reconnects you.”

Me: “I guess I don’t have it because I’m still angry, so I think, ‘You’re not getting any of this now!'”

Her: “I’m not that strong-willed girl, like you.  I’m more like, ‘Honey, you still love me, right?'”

Is this why when we do finally get around to sex after my initial anger dissipates, usually days later, my husband says in the middle of it, “I love you” — Is he trying to “reconnect” with me after the big fight that frankly I’m probably still NOT over?

Gee, who’s the asshole now? 

I’m thinking it’s me. Because if what I said before is correct, that fighting is a normal part of a healthy marriage, then reconnecting through sex might be the best resolution; maybe it’s what helps make a marriage survive all of the angry “communicating”.

And maybe by staying angry, by taking DAYS to get over it, I’m not holding up my end of the bargain.

And while I secretly always hope that my husband is going to give me some sort of grand gesture of apology or at least say he understands my side, what I’ve come to know about him is that he won’t.  He won’t SAY it.  But he does ACT it.  He might fight with me about something, then if he sees my side, he won’t admit it, but he’ll change his behavior, and really, isn’t that good enough?  Isn’t that enough for me to let go of the anger and “reconnect”?

While I’m researching, my husband calls and asks what I’m doing.  I tell him, “I’m writing a blog on Make-Up Sex and how we don’t have it.”

Him: “Yeah, we don’t.”

Me: “Why do you think that is?”

Him: “Because you’re too angry.”

Do I really want to be that girl?

This year I’ve been finding that I’m doing everything I can do to avoid fighting because the last one we had took me longer to get over than I care to admit.

Is this avoidance causing me to not communicate, to not resolve our issues? What if we turn into the couple that doesn’t fight because we ae just done?

I think it’s high time I learn what Make-Up Sex is all about.  It’s time I learn how to let go of my anger and forgive my husband, who really does try so hard to be a good husband and a good father.

Next fight, I’m IN.

Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: E.J. Gordon is a freelance writer, a regular contributor to GIRLillaWarfare,  and “Sexpert”. Have any questions or topics that you would like her to address? Remember: No subject is taboo, and Anonymity is accepted. Contact E.J. at: EJGordon529@gmail.com.