By Lisa Barr
Perhaps I’m Old School, antiquated. But what happened to High School Homecoming, when it was actually about the kids and the dance? Never mind that I have three teenage daughters to outfit for The Ball … Yes, a freshman, a sophomore, and a senior (read: dresses, shoes, waxing, nails, makeup, and most importantly, HAIR). No, I will not bitch about what my ‘Day Of’ is going to look like; doing the suburban shuffle to three sets of photo shoots all taking place between 6 pm and 6:45 p.m., nor complain that I volunteered to have the “Sleep Over” which BEGINS at midnight, nor will I vent that I’ve had to navigate the five million parental texts about “The Plans” — No, I’m not going there. Mostly, because my husband cannot listen to it AGAIN.
Here’s where I AM going, or as one Mom at my daughter’s field hockey game put it best: “We need an Excel sheet to manage all the Homecoming details — I’m going out of my fucking mind.”
Here’s what it used to be, back in the “Olden Days” as my daughters like to say whenever I begin a sentence, “When I was a kid …” Yes, back 100 years ago when I was in high school, Homecoming had a real romantic feel. A Guy gathered up the nerve and asked a Girl to the dance. Girl said Yes, she bought a special dress, she shaved her own legs, plucked her own brows, bleached unwanted hair (thank you, Jolen), maybe got a manicure or her Mom did her nails, and perhaps, had her hair done at her Mom’s hair salon. The Guy came to the door, handed the Girl a corsage that matched her dress, then she pinned a boutonniere to his jacket lapel, pictures were taken on the doorstep, they got a ride to the dance (if he didn’t drive), and they STAYED at the dance AND danced, and then the Girl was dropped off at home, kissed at the door … G’nite. Done.
Now, here’s a screen shot of today’s Homecoming Extravaganza: Guy asks Girl to the Homecoming dance via text. In our community, this starts way early, usually in the summer at least TWO months before the dance. Girl texts back Ya. Girl tells Mom to hurry and reserve all the requisite appointments — hair/makeup/wax/nails. Guy then has to ask the Girl a Second Time (closer to the dance face-to-face) — only this time with a Real Plan. And the plan has to be cute enough for Facebook (the Holy Bible of Yes, It Really Happened). This part, I actually like, because it has a genuine human connection, and a Guy has to THINK not TEXT, DO not TEXT the asking. And in some instances, it becomes a group THINK and DO, because the Guy may ask his buddies to help out with a creative asking. It does have cute factor. And it is Facebook-worthy.
Once the YES is official … Here Come the Parents who begin to divide and conquer the weekend.
A sample outtake: One set of parents are needed to host pictures (to which all parents in ‘The Group’ are invited), another set of parents are required for driving TO the dance, another set of parents are on duty for picking up FROM the dance, whisking the kids away from the “Boring Dance” early in order to do a “Real Activity” (rollerskating, Laser Tag, ice skating, swimming, etc). This involves yet another change of clothes (yes, the $$$ dress was worn all of 25 minutes and is now rolled up in a gym bag), and yet another set of parents are then required to drive from that event to an After Party, and wait, another set of parents are needed to drive to a SLEEP OVER, and wait, another set of parents are on duty to drive to the Morning-After Brunch. In some cases, there are limos and party buses involved. Now just imagine the endless chain of emails …
You’re dizzy, I’m dizzy. My friend is wrong: It takes more than an Excel sheet, Homecoming Planning requires an accountant.
I, too, am guilty of all of it, so there is no higher road taken here, rather a pondering aloud as I stand on my soapbox: WHY do we do this to ourselves?
The truth is from what I’ve seen over the years, the kids have the MOST fun at the ‘kick-off’ party at the beginning of the school year. And here’s why: All the kids come dressed casually in shorts, and they STAY at the dance, and they love it. Parents drive there and back. End of story.
Simplicity. Simplicity. Simplicity.
We write a lot about the problems of Over-Parenting at GIRLilla Warfare … Hint: Perhaps, let’s think about getting out of the way on this one. Let the kids be; let them plan a non-perfect albeit fun night (like they used to, back in the “Olden Days”), and let them STAY at the dance (not upgrade to other post-activities). Not to mention that for those kids who haven’t been asked to Homecoming or decided that they did not want to ask anyone in particular, they can come to the dance in groups and feel more comfortable. Enough with the Over-The-Topness — EXCEPT for making sure your kids’ plans are safe — that is indeed a Step-In Parenting Moment.
Moms — there’s no finger pointing here — I, too, am caught up in this labyrinthine system. Truth is, deep down, I secretly wish for a good shot of RETRO — a throwback to simpler times, less exhausting details.
I constantly find myself longing for the day when our teens can experience the essence of romance. Will they ever really know that it’s an emotion NOT an emoji?
Homecoming should be calm, slower-paced fun as the evening unfolds; a night to remember, NOT a series of over-activitized Suburban Rituals. Nor should it be a “situation” — whereby parents are forced to “package” the night for the kids; to create the “perfect” group and scenarios.
Not to be Debbie Downer here but I happen to be on the receiving end of numerous hurtful Homecoming stories, and sadly, they are less about the kids and more about parental involvement. One in particular sticks with me, and it’s something to think about. A woman I met in line at the bank relayed to me that her son and his date were told they could not join a certain Homecoming group because the Pictures-Hosting-Parents had said, “Sorry, but there are not enough stairs.” As in enough stairs for couples and photos. (I know, that made me sick to my stomach too.)
Homecoming is about the kids and school spirit. Let’s not make it about us.
If this sounds preachy, please forgive. As trendy as I think I am, my kids tell me all the time (lovingly and otherwise) that I’m a dinosaur (and not just because I have no clue how to turn on my own TV … another blog). And yet … the “antiquated” concept of Old School Fun and “The Dance at the Gym” is SO Richie Cunningham, as in “Happy Days” — but you know what, I can’t help but think just maybe they were.
LB: Everybody’s got a good Homecoming tale — from Fabulous & Fun to You’re-Never-Gonna-Believe-This” story … Please share in our “Comments” section below (and NO Worries, “Anonymous Mom” is our middle name). We LOVE hearing from you and so do other readers! xoxo
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Homecoming Special
Great article! Hopefully, more kids will attend future dances!
Lisa – You are right again! We are all guilty of wanting our girls to have that Cinderella evening and get so consumed with the wrong stuff. I wish more of us could find the courage to say “No” to the silly demands and outrageous expectations. You’re not alone – we’re just all afraid to take a stand and make our kid the example of their parent’s agenda.
I could not agree more. It always annoyed me that pre-homecoming pictures morphed into a red carpet photo shoot. Those of us who hosted the pre-homecoming pictures at our home had the pressure of preparing a catered event for the parent paparazzi.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
I totally agree Lisa. But if there are so many of us who feel this way, why can;t we changes things?!
Personally, I think this story encompasses a lot of students and maybe grabs the most attention but the truth is….. I went to a local high school and as a Junior and Senior never went to a dance and that was 32 years ago.. Some local high schools do a lock in. So it still does exist. I have one child who never went to Homecoming after his freshman year and knew many girls who never were asked to any dances. My son now is a Senior and his formal “ask” was not posted on Facebook by me, nor him nor his date. He is going in a group of 30 kids and is not attending the dance this year. He is, however, attending the school pep rally and the Homecoming football game with his school. I don’t see what the big deal really is. Moms certainly could do their own daughters make up and nails but they are choosing not to? So what? They are lucky to go! What about all of the parents reading this article who will have a child sitting at home all weekend? What about the parents and kids who are on Facebook looking at photos of their son or daughters formal “ask”? There are actual 50 year old adults posting these of their own kids? I think it would be very nice if everyone just went to the dance without dates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That way everyone could get dressed up and go and they wouldn’t need a group or flowers, just a ride to the dance!
Just have to comment on the not enough stairs story…while I’m sure it was completely nasty in that example, sometimes there may be more to the story. As a mom of a boy who was left out of a big homecoming group, I get that it feels really bad to be excluded. But I told my son, just as I tell my daughter who is on the fringe of the “it” group, better to find friends who want to be with you, who will include you and who love you for who you are. Unfortunately, for many moms Homecoming is an opportunity to post on Facebook that your child was in the “right” group. It’s not so much the kid’s issue as it’s the parents who would be too embarrassed to have their child go with a less socially desirable group. And it’s those parents who post your blog on Facebook!
Why? You’ve answered the question in your own essay. Because our kids have been indulged by us. We haven’t gotten to this place in a vacuum or overnight. And people shouldn’t be asking why things can’t be changed, they should simply just change. If others feel the same (and they do and should), then they should follow suit. These things really aren’t so complicated. We make them so. Kids – led by their parents’ example – need to remember life is about people and not things.
Amen S!!!
I’m pretty certain this fun-filled weekend would cease pretty quickly if the parents of these over-indulged children would stop funding it. The parents are setting the stage for future expectations and are raising kids that have no choice but to feel entitled. It’s not brain surgery. Stop feeding the beast.
Where did the SPIRIT of homecoming go? Why would a pep rally take place after school ends? Why do students perform the school song without uniforms wrapped in blankets? They cheer but the students don’t answer? The band is our loudest voice! Kudos btw! Why doesn’t the community get involved with showcasing the local high school(s) within the downtown stores, walkways and plastering school banners? Where is the parade of diverse clubs, athletes, musicians, etc? We have such amazing talent throughout the school including past graduates,instead we decorate our kids instead of our town. We have a lack of school spirit that should be addressed both within our school administration along with the community townships. What happened for cheering on our teams from debate to field hockey to football? Friday night lights seemed more like Saturday night live. A comedy skit while the families walked their seniors down the aisle with little respect or a loud applause for all the dedication and hard work. Instead they received selfies of their friends mingling on the sidelines. I moved to this community for the education it offers my children but they have to move away to college to find school spirit. If we can organize spreadsheets for homecoming, google docs for carpools,and have perfect ACT scores, we can show some S-P-I-R-T!