LB: I got a call from a Mom last week, and she said, “I would love to write something for you.”
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“Well this may sound totally silly, but it’s INVITES! I’m over-saturated,” she said. “I’ve got three kids — a million things going on, and not to be mean, but I truly wish that all of the invites would just stop, so I can catch up, so I can have time with my own family…It may not be popular, but I’ve decided this summer to take a stand.”
Anonymous, Mom of three kids 13 and under
As I review my calendar and To-Do list for the week, it occurs to me that I, like every other mother I know, am completely booked. Getting the kids to and from school, doctors appointments, orthodontic appointments, baseball games, music lessons, school activities, camping trips, grocery stops, and birthday parties have filled my time for the week. I know, we’ve all read 100 articles and heard just as many psychology experts tell us that we’re doing it all to ourselves by over-scheduling our children. I know I do it to myself, but you know what I just figured out? We’re all doing it to each other, too.
I just received one of those super fun and organized Evites for little Janie’s birthday party that everyone in her class is invited to. My daughter will not want to miss the party that EVERY other kid is going to — even though another party just like it will be next weekend – so on the calendar it goes.
I sigh as I also think of finding time to get the perfect gift for Janie that none of the other 25 kids will think of. And I’ll be a contributor to the madness when I invite every child to my own daughter’s birthday party – in the dead of winter right during the holidays. You’re welcome.
Apart from the things we’re invited to, there’s a whole series of ‘unwritten expectations’ from family and friends as well. When did it become EXPECTED that I also schedule in the baseball games and dance recitals of my nieces, nephews, and friends’ kids?
I don’t even get to all my own kids’ events – in fact, I’m that mom who drops one kid off, picks up another, tries to make it for the last inning, and asks what I missed when I do the final pick-up. So how can I possibly make it to another variety show that I will surely feel guilty about if I should miss it? Don’t get me wrong; I would love to hear all about that show and see the pictures at our next scheduled barbecue, but Please Don’t Make Me Go To It. And even if I’m not directly asked to go, there are times when it’s clearly implied. I was recently enjoying a morning baseball game for my eldest when my brother, niece, and nephew surprised us and came to the game. Instead of being happy to see them, all I could muster was an inner sneer at the thought of trying to find time to get to their games as well.
Summer months have been our busiest, even though school is out and we tend to think of summer days as Lazy Days. That lazy notion is clearly from a different generation, but I vow to bring it back to our house in a big way this summer. Please don’t be offended if we can’t make it to birthday parties, soccer games, or theater productions. However, we’d love to be at anything that isn’t particularly scheduled and doesn’t require an RSVP.
I do realize I’m fortunate to have family, friends, and countless events to fill my calendar — Just please don’t invite me to anything.
LB: One friend to whom I just told this story says she has the OPPOSITE problem. Her family NEVER comes to anything … and she feels bad for her kids. What are your thoughts?
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Homecoming Special
Amen sister. If I have to go to one more dance Ed recital, I’m going postal.
you can just make a weekend with no events once a month, Set your foot down and put it on the calendar. Or one sunday a month, schedule it in as “family day.” I know one mom who doesn’t take her kids to anything and they’re all perfectly happy.
I also have three children but look at the northshore invites in a very
different way. I agree we are inundated with things to do around here for our
children but it is always nice to be included. 2 of my 3 kids are pretty much
always included to everything. They are athletic, well liked and look just like
every other child in this area. My third child has spent from kindergarten
until high school wishing somehow she too fit in and looked and liked what
everyone else around here likes. She read early so kindergarten girls ousted
her for being too smart. She was not stick skinny so kids made fun of her
weight. And I remind you again, she was 5 years old at this time. She was new to
the area in kindergarten and by October had already not been included in 2 of
the girls 6th birthday parties when only 8 girls were in the class. I was told
by one mother that her daughter was very competitive and simply did not like my
daughter because she could read. I learned early on that although I often run
around looking like a chicken with my head cut off, I’d rather be doing this
then mending a broken heart at home on a day like today when most kids run out
of their last day of school with plans galore, my child usually didn’t get an
invite. So even though in middle school 30 girls were going to go to someone’s
house my daughter would not have been included, like 31 would make it too many
kids in the house! Now as a mature 18 year old she would tell you it never
mattered. I disagree, she has no interest in raising her kids here and for me
that is sad. I want my kids to stay close so I can watch their kids grow and
nuture. My daughter unlike her brothers has had to learn many of life’s lessons
way earlier than she should of. She has always been a loner who people like but
she did not make most “cuts” when it came to groups. With the teenage suicide
rate soaring, too many invites may be hard for the super moms and dads to juggle
but certainly worth it. My daughter does not need a group to be happy-she has
a few very reliable friends/soul mates.So our families coming to sporting events
is a bonus never something that makes me think oh crap now I owe them. I say to
all, I am doing the best I can. I am constantly telling my family to treat each
other well because many days we are all we have. We live in a place where
people even complain about too many invitations! If you don’t want your kids to
be included to things keep complaining and in a few months see how you all feel
about being excluded from kids pool parties, social dance gatherings, homecoming
festivities etc. It is lonely for the child, I promise you. It is sad for
parents to watch a beautiful soul harden because of her difficult surroundings.
Her father and I have always been homebodies because we like to be but for our
daughter it was not always her first choice to be home with us on a friday night
while society throws party after party around us. So excuse some of us for not
joining your pity party that you are exhausted by all of your invites/parties.
Just say no sometimes if it is too much and stop worrying about what everyone
might think. Life goes quickly, try to enjoy the ride and stop complaining. If
too many invitations are the worst thing to happen to your family then you are
all pretty darn lucky!!
While I was reading your article, I couldn’t help but think of all of my friends who are now empty-nesters and often discuss how fleeting the time is in one’s life is when he/she is “over-scheduled”. I have four kids spanning from 13 to 20 so I guess I can say that I have some perspective on the subject. Here is my take on this crazy, insane time in your life: ENJOY!!! Before you know it, your sweet little guy will be packing for college, your adorable little girl will be driving herself to birthday gatherings and YOU will be on your own, kid-free, hopefully with your kid-free friends, reminiscing about “the good old days” when you all were fortunate enough to share the joys and happiness of raising your kids together (as one big family, as we often referred to each other). That being said, I completely understand your conflicts and your pressures. Try and accept that you are one person, doing the best you can do. If your family shows up at a game, it is because THEY have the extra time, often there are no expectations of reciprocity. If you happen to find yourself with some extra time, and it might not be until next month or even next year, YOU will become more involved in your family member’s extra-curricular activities, but it will be because you can do it with enjoyment, free of stress (imagine that!) and not out of obligation. Having two kids off to college and two at home, I finally have the luxury of becoming a bit more involved in the activities of my nieces and nephew and even a little extra time to catch up on the lives of my friend’s kids…never out of expectations or obligations, but truly because I can and desire this…what a gift!! You will get to that place faster than you can imagine. So while you are in the middle of this beautiful but hectic time in your life, don’t be so hard on yourself, never wish away invitations (they are a blessing for many who don’t receive them) and just do what you can do. Your good friends and family members will always (hopefully) understand your choices and want you to do what is most healthy for you and your family. And remember to breathe!
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