‘SEX-Fest 2012’ vs. ‘Me-Time’

By E.J. Gordon

He’s calling it, “Sex-Fest 2012”.

She’s calling it, “Me-Time”.

It’s their first vacation away from their kids in years. They both have big plans: She wants to read three novels. She wants to do Sunrise Yoga. She wants to spend some quality time with her husband, reconnecting after months of tag-team parenting, carpooling, and house managing.

He wants to run five miles on the beach … and have sex with his wife. He wants to drink without worrying that he has to pick up the back end of Bar-Mitzvah carpool … and have sex with his wife. He wants to watch a movie in bed without falling asleep … and have sex with his wife.

After spending the week packing and making arrangements for the kids, the dog, and work, after an annoying plane ride with a whiny toddler behind them reminding them of their own family trips when their kids were tiny, after taking a terrifying cab ride to the hotel, they walk into their beautiful room, and they smile, remembering the days when they used to stay in far worse places, when they had to leave the bathroom light on to keep away the roaches and put T-shirts on their pillows to protect them from possibly unwashed-sheets-stranger-cooties.

He drops his bags, and gives her his best, “Let’s Have Sex” smile. She gives him a “Please Don’t’ Be Mad at Me” smile, and says, “I just NEED a minute.”

After all the planning, the excitement, and the fantasies he played out in his head, the LAST thing he was expecting was for her to turn him down. Now he worries that it will always be like this, that it will always be an uphill battle to make love to his wife.

He just wants to be with her without her being too tired, too busy, too emotionally-wrecked from the week, without her feeling like she has to “rally” …  And now she’s hesitant. He wonders, Is ‘Sex-Fest 2012’ ruined?

Not if I can help it … Here’s my guide to: Five Fantastic Days of Vacation Sex.

DAY ONE:  The reason why the wife in the story above needs a minute is because she has just spent two weeks stressing about leaving. She is conflicted about leaving her kids. She had to go above and beyond her normal week, making sure there’s enough food for the kids and their caretaker for the week. She had to pack and get herself prepared (wax, island clothes, pedicure). She had to leave directions and a medical permission note. She is WIPED. And now she needs a minute or an hour or three.

The best way to help her is to NOT expect sex the minute you walk in the room. Help her to unpack the bags (even if you would like to live out of a suitcase, this might be something she needs to do). Take her for a stroll around the resort grounds. Before you leave for vacation, arrange a couples’ massage for your first day there. Give her a little space and time, which will allow her to remember that she’s not just a mother, but a woman and a wife. Then, have a nice meal at the hotel, and buy her some good wine.

Talk to her. Re-connect emotionally FIRST, because that is what she needs. And that first night, have romantic sex. Look at her like she’s 25 again and hasn’t had any kids to tear apart her body yet. Make sure you kiss her and look her in the eyes. Make sure she knows she’s loved.

DAY TWO: By now she’s really beginning to relax. Today’s the day to take advantage of the sexy feeling you get when you’re at the beach or laying out poolside. Have a drink. Then tell her you want to take her back to the room and ravage her hot bathing suit clad body. Then do just that. The midday sex will take the pressure off at night; you can have a bottle or two of wine with dinner and pass out without a worry that you’ll disappoint your partner.

DAY THREE: Time to amp it up. You’ve already had Vanilla Sex at least twice. Now it’s time to create some juicier memories. When you get back to the hotel room, whether it’s before dinner or after, tell her you’re going to grab some ice. Then while you’re in the hallway, text her something like this: “Hey …  I saw you sitting out by the pool, and I think you’re so hot. You want to get together sometime?” Then proceed to “sext” with her.

Tell her you can’t wait to see her naked. Tell her you would kill or die to make love to her. Build the tension. Ask her for her room number and then go knock on your wife’s door …

DAY FOUR: Time for toys. This is a great night to have a drink or two and come back to the room a bit early. When she comes through the door, tell her, “I have a surprise for you.” Then slip a blindfold over her eyes. Guide her to the bed and using the belt from the fancy hotel robe, tie her in a comfortable position to the bed. Tell her that she’s a very brave woman to come back to the room with a man she “barely” knows, and you’re going to teach her a lesson by having your way with her.

With the distance from your real lives at home, the obscurity of the hotel, and the time you’ve spent together on the vacation thus far, you couldn’t find a better time to try some Crazy Things.

Maybe you’ve got a new toy you bought before you left. Maybe you brought some old ones that have been collecting dust. Maybe she just really needs a spanking. By this point in your marriage, you should be able to tell what she’s enjoying and what’s just not working. Go as crazy as she’ll let you.

DAY FIVE: The weird thing about this far into the vacation is that now the roles may be reversed. Sometimes men in their late 30s and on up just have trouble this many days in a row, and they’re now quite satisfied. And for women, now that they’ve been completely sucked into their vacation and out of their mundane realities, they can really let go. She’s now fully re-connected and enjoying the passion. She’s expecting one more night.

Men, this is a great time for a Viagra. Just ask your doc for a sample before you leave and save it for this last day. Women, know that it’s your job now to turn up the dial. This is the perfect time for that sexy lingerie you decided to buy and throw in your bag last minute. This time you go get ice. When you come back, knock on the door dressed in whatever you were wearing. When he opens the door, say, “Is this where the modeling job is?” Then tell him you just need to change. Come out wearing your lingerie, and say, “Where would you like me to start, on the bed?” and then hand him the camera. (Note: My husband is NOT allowed to take any REAL photos. But if yours does, remember to delete them!)

One common aspect of vacations is that when you come home, you pay for it. Your kids torture you for leaving them. Your house needs attention and fresh milk. And then there’s the unpacking and re-entry of your regular life. Many couples end up fighting the first day back because it is so stressful, and it’s doubly upsetting after having this fabulous re-connection. It makes you feel like all of the fun you’ve just had was erased. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge it beforehand. While you’re on the plane on the way home, turn to your spouse and say, “You know tonight and tomorrow will suck. Let’s NOT forget how awesome this was. Please know that if I’m short with you or bicker with you, it’s not because of you, it’s because of life. I love you and had the best time. Let’s do it again next year.”

And then when you do get home and you are paying for it, just look at each other and say: “We’ll always have Paris (… or Belize … or Aruba… or Milwaukee …”)

Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: E.J. Gordon is a freelance writer, a regular contributor to GIRLilla Warfare,  and “Sexpert”. Have any questions or topics that you would like her to address? Remember: No subject is taboo, and Anonymity is accepted. Contact E.J. at: EJGordon529@gmail.com.
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