LB: When this mom sent me this blog, I was literally blown away. She held nothing back. Don’t miss this piece, copy it, frame it, and let’s hope it goes viral … I promise, if everyone follows Her Strategies, there would be a lot more smilin’ going on around town. Enjoy …
By Anonymous, 41, Mommy of 3 kids
I’m sitting with a few women doing the usual time-killing routine, gossiping about all of the latest news, analyzing the impending divorce of yet another couple in our neighborhood. None of us knows a lot, but we conjecture that one of the main reasons for this couple’s demise is lack of activity in the bedroom.
“I’m sure she’s complaining every night how tired she is. He’s probably just sick of it,” says one woman.
“Come on, it’s gotta be more than that,” another friend declares. “Marriage is so much more than sex. I mean my husband rarely gets any action, but he would never, ever… he just wouldn’t leave me.”
I say, “So how often is ‘rarely’?”
She shrugs.
“Once a month?” I ask.
“Maybe…”
“Seriously??” I say.
“Well, you know I work, and then I have to parent, and then I fall into bed, and the kids aren’t always asleep yet… there’s just NO time.”
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies… I’ll tell you the truth. If you think that sexually neglecting your marriage does not have consequences, you’re just plain wrong. First of all, men don’t wait half of their lives for sex just to get married and NOT have it.
Eventually, he will seek out sex from someone else, fall prey to another woman’s advances, or just be completely unsatisfied in your marriage. Of course there are stretches of our lives when sex just isn’t an option. I remember being so pregnant that my husband and I couldn’t even find a way to get close enough to each other to complete the act. I remember nursing for months, and with the hormonal profile of a 90 year old, feeling like I could sign a contract agreeing to never, ever having sex again. But Ladies, at least they know in those situations there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Once your kids are sleeping through the night and off the nipple, they’re going to want (and rightfully so) for you to get right back on that horse.
My husband always says that before he was married, the biggest problem in dating was rejection. Guys think about sex all the time, but their close rate is spotty. The whole draw of a committed relationship is the “promise” that they’ll get sex and won’t be rejected. That’s how we “get” them. If after years of marriage we start rejecting them all the time, they’ll wonder what the benefit of marriage is.
And what about sex for you?
Sex is very bonding; in fact, that’s one of its jobs. Sex releases oxytocin which causes humans to bond to each other… that’s why it’s called “The Love Hormone”. It will help your marriage to have more of it. You’ll feel closer, and you’ll both be happier. And by the way, once you start having it more, you might just want it more. Sex begets sex. I’ve heard many reasons why we Moms avoid sex, so let’s just go over a couple…
1. “I’m uncomfortable with my body.” Firstly, many women are. We are just always unsatisfied with our bodies. Here’s my answer: Turn off the light and get under the covers. He doesn’t care, especially not during sex. Not only that, but I’ve had friends who use sex to get their husbands to buy them a new set of boobs or even better, a cushy gym membership.
What, you say? Use sex for manipulation? Please, it’s one of our best tools, and it’s been used to get what we want since before Aristotle.
2. “My husband is so useless at night; he just sits and watches TV. Then I’m doing everything, and by the time I’m in bed, not only am I tired, but also I’m pissed!” Ok, I really, really get this one. I’ll tell you how I’ve gotten past this. I say, “Hon, I’d really like to go to bed with you tonight so we could spend some time in there together, but I have these FIVE things to do… if you could do just TWO of them, it would help me get there.” I tell my husband, “No, I’m not using sex as a weapon. I’m just telling you I’ll be too tired for sex if you don’t help me.” It’s gotten to the point where foreplay in our house is him offering to put the kids to bed or do the dishes. And the extra help is so worth giving it up!
3. “We can’t find the time. Our kids stay up later than we do.” Yes, this is tough. But if there’s one thing I learned in high school, it’s how to have sex in a car. Make getting a sitter and going out once a week with your husband a priority in your house (over new clothes, over extra kids’ activities, over television), and if you know your kids are still awake on the way home, go find a dark parking lot and do it in your car. What’s the worst that can happen… Is a cop going to arrest you for doing it with your husband?
4. “I never know how to initiate.” REALLY? I never understand this excuse. Here are some ideas:
a. When he walks in the room flash him your boobs.
b. Slap his butt.
c. Brush past him in the bathroom and lean into him for a second.
d. Tell him in bed, “I just want to cuddle,” but then cuddle him a little too closely.
e. Say, “You wanna make out?”
f. Hop on him and say, “Let’s have sex.”
The point is, it doesn’t take much to turn a guy on, especially if he hasn’t had any in a while.
5. “Sex is a bit stale after 10, 15, 20 years of marriage.” I have a fantastic remedy for this. ROLE PLAY! Many of my friends have said to me that they don’t know how to cross this bridge. Here’s a primer: The first step in Role Playing is explaining and understanding each other’s fantasies. During a Date Night dinner or a walk in public or any other place and time when sex is not an option, ask your husband what kinds of fantasies he has. Does he think about dominating? About being dominated? About getting taken advantage of? About doing it with a hotel maid? About doing it with a masseuse? Then (and this might be tough, so perhaps have a drink or four) tell him YOURS. Tell him how you get turned on by the idea of being hit on by a hot service technician or the fantasy about the sorority girl who will do anything to get into a particular house. File the info away, but then one night, maybe when you’re on vacation together, maybe on a late Saturday night when you’re a bit drunk, act it out.
Here are a few different ways to get started:
a. Go into the closet, and as he’s getting into bed, walk out of it wearing an outfit… whether it’s a costume from Lovers Lane that you bought for this occasion, a little silk teddy from your honeymoon that you haven’t worn since, or just a really short skirt and a tank top with no bra and heels, and say something like, “Excuse me, but I wandered into your house because I have nowhere to go, and I could really use a place to stay, and I don’t have any money…”
b. Or, after you turn the lights off and get in bed, lean over to him and say, “I’m not sure I’m ready for anything more, but I’ll make out with you and maybe go to second base…”
c. Close the door behind you when you walk into your bedroom fully dressed and say, “I really, really need this job. Is there something I can do to help me get a leg up on the competition? I’ll do … well, you know, anything.” You’d be surprise how easy it becomes after a few times. And you have no idea how excited you and your husband will get.
This is the best part of being married — the safety of the commitment, the ability to completely have raw emotion, to expose yourself without worrying that he’ll judge you: the trust you have in each other.
Is marriage more than sex as my friend suggested? Of course! Marriage is partnership, love, support, and family. It’s also sex with no shame, no guilt, no fear, and no condoms.
Now, go get back on that horse.
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AWESOME!!! – What are some things we men can do to initiate? Quite often, I want it but my wife doesn’t. I’ve been rejected too many times. How can I convince her to accept my advances or even better, be THAT girl without me having to ask?
Hi Mike — it’s Lisa Barr — I just spoke to our Anonymous Mom Writer and posed your question — here’s what she says — hope this helps!
“Mike, the biggest hurdle in getting your wife back on the saddle is understanding why she’s not in it. As much as women underestimate sex in a marriage, men underestimate TALKING! You guys need to discuss this. One idea is to print out this article, and maybe when the two of you go out to dinner alone, ask her to read it, telling her you would like to discuss it. Flat out ask her why she isn’t so into sex with you anymore. Then, and this is the important part, tell her you NEED things to change, and you want to know what YOU can do to help her get back into bed. Tell her you love her, and sex is an important aspect of marriage, and you would like her to work at it with you. And then really listen to her reasons. If she’s tired, ask how you can alleviate her burden. If she’s feeling unattractive, tell her more how beautiful she is. If she can’t find the time, take her away for the weekend. Good luck!”
Just one little thing missing in this awesome article. I know that so many of us just don’t feel like having sex, whether we’re tired or not. Advice – just do it anyway! Even if you’re not in the mood. Who says you have to be in the mood to do it? Your husband doesn’t need you to be totally active every time you have sex! He just WANTS IT!! plain and simple. You’ll be surprised at how much you enjoyed it in the end. You’ll be surprised at how suddenly you have more energy than you thought you did. You’ll just be pleasantly surprised and so will he!!
I would do the dishes, walk the dog and put the kids to bed for a week if my wife was waiting for me upstairs with her boobs hanging out.
I had the opposite (and less than usual) situation where my husband refused to have sex with me for years…and I’m no troll! I ended the marriage for many reasons but I knew sex was something I refuse to live without. I am now enjoying playing catch up on all the great sex I missed!