Lisa Barr: I wrack my brain trying to figure out what punishment actually works on my kids. I’ve been in the Take-Away-The-Phone-or-Computer-Camp. Truth: It doesn’t work. I asked GIRLilla Warfare’s editorial assistant Sami Blumenthal (love her) to investigate the ultimate Parental Dilemma by going straight to “the source.”
Here’s what “My Girl Friday” discovered when she asked a group of teenagers their take on consequences:
I’m Sami Blumenthal, a 17-year-old just graduating from Deerfield High School, with plans to attend the University of Illinois this fall. Throughout high school, I was a very involved student, who got good grades. I worked hard. Whether it was performing on a dance team at half-time, competing at the State competition, helping plan Prom, or even give advice to incoming freshmen, I was always considered a very responsible young adult. I did a lot of things “right” but I also had plenty of “coming-of-age” moments. (Feel free to ask my mom!)
Like so many others teenagers, I had my ups and downs, and DEFINITELY my fair share of consequences.
As parents, I know that you try “everything” to make sure we do the right thing, and when we don’t, figuring out what actually works can be complicated. So I thought, hey, why not ask some of my contemporaries their thoughts on Parental Punishment.
Here’s what they had to say:
Nate, 19, the eldest of three kids
“Well, I don’t really get grounded or have stuff taken away anymore. When I was a kid, those kinds of punishment never really got the message across. When we would sit and talk it was always more constructive. The problem isn’t solved by taking away material things, but by the discussion and reflection that takes place around said punishment is much more effective. At least that’s how it was for me.”
Chloe, 17, youngest of 2
“If parents act as if the situation is a big deal and act disappointed, this will cause their children to not participate in the act again. Whereas taking away their phones for example will make their kid just want to do it again once they’re not in trouble anymore. Contrary to popular parental belief, phone confiscation has NO effect.”
Josh, 18, eldest of 2
“Once their punishment is over they’re just gonna start doing whatever they were doing before because they have no reason not to. Give a punishment that has meaning.”
Rachael, 14, middle child of 3
“The only thing that really gets me to listen is when my parents sit down and talk to me. I can always use someone else’s phone or computer to get a ride somewhere. It’s when they sit down and really explain the issue and its consequences that I learn.”
Jake, 15, eldest of 4
My parents love each other but they are not united. My Mom will give me a punishment, say taking away the phone and my Dad can’t hold back, he gives me back the phone in five minutes. They are not consistent. It works for me, but it doesn’t work for a punishment. Stay on the same page whatever the punishment is. Don’t send your kid mixed messages.
Shana, 15, youngest of 3
It’s really hard for my parents to follow-through. I have this party tonight and I wasn’t supposed to go because I did not go to my religious school, and that was the threat. But guess where I’m going tonight? I think the follow-through, if I were a parent, is very important.
Sami: MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE “CRIME”
After interviewing the other teens, I decided to reflect on my own “consequences.” Some punishments that my parents have given to me over the past few years have truly been questionable. My mom might disagree with that because she sees punishments not as “given” but “deserved.”
All right, so if this is true, shouldn’t I “deserve” the right punishment? It doesn’t make sense that I might fail a test and I get my phone taken away….and if I get “caught” at a party… I get my phone taken away. Or if I forget to clean my room…I get my phone taken away. I come home past curfew…I get my phone taken away.
If I truly “deserve” the right punishment that best fits the crime, why does EVERY punishment involve snatching my phone?
Maybe for every other teen it’s not the phone…It could be driving privileges, friend privileges, whatever it may be, it seems as though the punishment is consistently disregarding the intensity of the crime.
The real problem is parents don’t realize that their punishments are ALWAYS predictable. Parents don’t realize that their kids aren’t afraid anymore.
They are not hesitant to go to that party or not study for that test because they know that their phone will get taken away, but given right back so their parents can just take it away again for the next dumb thing they do.
I wonder: Is it that parents are too lazy to think of the right punishment? Or is it that parents are too preoccupied to really to sit down and have that life lesson talk?
From personal experience, THAT talk is what sets me straight. That heart-to-heart, open and honest conversation I’m able to have with my parents about what I did wrong actually does have an effect. Even though you think the phone is all we care about — you’re wrong.
Having a real conversation can open up many doors – especially those doors that will lead to the right punishment that fits the crime. I get caught drinking? Okay Mom and Dad, let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about what I did wrong…and why I did it. Teach me these lessons instead of just taking my phone away…And if the conversation isn’t a strong enough punishment, well then sign me up for an alcohol resistance program. Embarrass the hell out of me so I’ll never make that dumb mistake again.
Don’t just take my phone away…because you did that when I forgot to do my laundry.
LB: I thought Sami’s words were insightful. I took notes. Moms – Dads — have at it. GIRLilla Warfare would love to hear your responses.
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This was by far the best article yet. Out of the mouth of babes!!
Great article. Chloe really said it best. This will really help me in the future.
Excellent and very helpful!!
catchphrase for our generation: natural or logical consequence. first you have to understand what that means. then, a when you get the hang of thinking in those terms, the imposed consequence is pretty simple to come up with. by the way, sami, i like you! 🙂 always follow your yellow brick road!
My wife and I went away for the weekend. My step daughters (17 and 14) were supposed to be at friends. Came home to find our house a mess and damaged. THe 17 year old had a party with 90-100 teenagers, alcohol (legal age here 18), music, lights, dry-ice machine, the works. Our house suffered a bit of damage, dents on walls and floors etc. She has bought her own car, dont hink we can we take that away from her. She bought and pays for her own cell phone, we cant take that away. She has a part-time after school job for 10 hours a week to pay for things she wants. She still receives monthly pocket money and quarterly clothing allowance from us, should this be stopped? Last night she threw “Ha, I had a party, caused damage to your house, I only lost internet privileges but I have internet on my phone, Ha, you cant even come up with a punishment.” Any ideas?
Uhm, yeah. This *sounds* like it was written by kids. Sitting down and “talking” with your kids is the first thing to do. After the rolling of eyes indicating “I’ve heard this a million times”, the parents are frustrated that their kids don’t just act the way they’ve been raised to act. Taking away privileges is the next step most parents think of. Pete indicates he can’t take away things from her because she has bo’t them herself. IF she paid for all the things for the party, then she still needs to have the damages repaired. She needs to either do them herself or pay to have someone else do them. Still paying her an allowance? I hope she’s doing enough chores to warrant that! Otherwise, SHE should be paying rent to help with utilities and rent/mortgage payments, food, etc. (At least by the time she’s 18.) She needs to learn about life on the outside.
Taking away privileges can be lots of things – no junk food in the house, driving privileges, no tv or computer in their room, no cell phone. Just because you bo’t a phone or a car does NOT give you the privilege of using it. If you use something irresponsibly you should have it taken away.
Now, having said all that, my preferred discipline is with a “contract” of sorts. Kids and parents sit down and make a contract with discipline issues and punishments. (The “If/Then” chart.) If this obligation isn’t met then this happens. If the dishes aren’t done, you skip the next meal…. 🙂 This could be used the other way, too, like if the chores are done without complaint or reminders you get to have a friend spend the night on friday.
I do have the big life lesson talks with my 17 year old. He gets a consequence and it passes, he is a good student, a good kid, respectful, helpful, and usually considerate. He is more mature than other kids his age. However, he thinks smoking pot is “just weed” and not a big deal even though he has addicts in both sides of the family. And he has been told to NEVER bring drugs into the house. He was smoking pot in his room last night. Punishment – loss of privilege to go to a concert he bought tickets to, and restriction for a week – after the long talk. He was silent. He got up, walked out of the house and hasn’t been heard from in 8+hours. I am pretty sure he found a way to go to the concert. I am at a loss on what to do when he gets home, short of ringing his neck! I’ve told him, he’s almost 18, but as long as he lives under some one else’s roof, he has to respect their rules, like it or not. I am a pretty real parent – and I VE said I can’t keep him from making the choice to smoke weed, however, I won’t accept it in my home, period. And he needs to respect that and not cross that line, period. Oh I miss the days of the issues being toys not put away!
This is a good thing for my parents to read, they always snatch my phone and its really getting old, and if we get our phone taken and we have to stay at school or anywhere late and nobody can pick us up, and a rapist or something bad happens to show up, who do we have to call? Nobody because these “smart parents” are not thinking ahead of what can happen.
Why, oh why do we still think punishment is needed.
Once you banish punishment in your house you will experience the feeling of joy as you start to talk again to your child without them worrying about being controlled by their parents.
STart to get to know your children – banish punishment!
Honestly if the punishment doesn’t connect to the crime, it has no effect. I know from experience. Taking your child’s phone away because they talked back to you won’t get rid of a sassy mouth. Taking your child’s phone away if they purposefully threw it on the ground may make them realize that they shouldn’t have done that. I would rather communicate with my parents about what made them punish me or what I did wrong than have them take my phone away. Many teens don’t know what they do wrong and that is where the true problem comes in. As a teen, I would be happy to know what went wrong so I can fix it rather than taking away m phone.
This is a good article. http://www.professorshouse.com/family/teens/articles/taking-your-teenagers-cell-phone-away/
Many teens will try to manipulate their way out of discipline, even when taking the phone away does “fit the crime” and no amount of calm sit down reasoning works. And when second,third and fourth chances have already been given.
Thanks for the link your article is my style of parenting TOUGH love they will get over it mine has already started talking to us more and laughing with us. It was a drug and I am detoxing her at this moment!!
Solution here is your new flip phone you can still call and text me whenever you need me. I took Smart phone away because my daughter chose to continue sexting with boys and girls most of whom she didn’t know personally. We did sit her down many times and try to get her to understand that those kinds of things can follow you later in life and ruin you getting a job or that promotion you have been wanting or even a relationship. Those sort of things mom and dad cannot fix. So for now while she cannot make good choices as a parent I have to do it for her.
just found weed paraphernalia and a nice size bud in my 17-year old son’s room. He is a straight a student and a senior with many prospects for college. However, he has a very rude demeanor and i am not sure how to handle this situation? He will be 18 in a few months. mom struggling here
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The reason why many parents take the phone away is due to the fact that teenagers feel like it is their only life line to their “real world.’ Let me give you an example, my son has to empty the dishwasher as a chore. It takes said child an hour because he is busy texting, watching youtube, etc when realistically, this chore should take no longer than 10-15 minutes.
Today, child lost his smart phone permanently because he was caught sexting. Mind you, he is 14 years old and we have caught him doing this more than once and we had long conversations with him as to why he should not sext. Apparently, those long conversations did nothing to deter his actions. HIs younger brother who wants a phone, will not receive his phone in the Fall when school begins. Older child gets a dumb phone for being a dumb a**.
well my phone has been taken away and this is only making me more aggressive and violent. i feel much more lonely as i have no way of contacting my friends and i am not allowed to step out of the house alone. i feel like i am losing my friends because of not socializing. and i am basically slipping into depression because of loneliness.telling my parents that i am lonely does not work because they tell me that they’re there whenever i feel like talking. how do i make them understand how important friends are in a teenager’s life? there is a difference between enjoying with friends and with family. a friend of your age understands what you are going through when you talk to them but parents never understand your mental situation and always take it lightly. my parents don’t even know i self harm. i know that i am failing this time because i am not being able to concentrate on anything. all i do is cry the whole day. i know that i cannot talk to anyone now. i am much more serious than i used to be. i have lost interest in almost everything. i feel like i am becoming emotionless because nothing is affecting me anymore. a scolding from my parents has no effect on me either. this never happened when i had my phone. ‘you took my social life away, you took my friends away… and you wonder why i’m turning into an introvert.’ you parents need to understand that taking my phone away will only make me more rebellious.