The Art of Seduction — Turn On Your “Feminine Energy”

By Marjie Killeen

There’s a little-discussed dynamic that’s sucking the juice out of many couples’ love lives. Men and women have become too similar, at least in terms of the energy we put out. A lot of marriages operate as an equal partnership, which is efficient and fair and feels safe and familiar, but when it comes to sex, it’s the differences between a man and a woman that make things hot.

We women are so competent and productive in the world and in our homes that we have a hard time softening up and slowing down when it’s time for romance.

We can get so amped from all the multi-tasking — taking the meeting, running the carpool, hitting the gym – that we exude a masculine vibe. It’s awesome for getting things done, but it can be an inhibiter to intimacy.

When we’re always running the show, it’s hard to relax and enjoy our sensuality. And when we’re operating with a male energy, we may be rendering our man neutral.

According to Sex and Wellness Coach Andrea Gaines, who specializes in sexuality and well-being, when both sexes have the same energy, “It’s worse than neutral – it’s repulsive – like when two magnets are facing each other. It’s actually very annoying because all too often we get wrapped up with our words, argue and get angry, and ‘angle’ for that masculine position.”

Men long for appreciation and respect and sometimes the last place they feel they get those things is at home, says Evanston marriage and family therapist David Klow.

A guy can have a lot of power at the office during the day, then walks into a house where he calls NONE of the shots in the evening. Klow calls it the ‘King of the Boardroom, Jester of the Bedroom Syndrome.’

Do we really want an emasculated fool for a lover?

Of course not; we want a full-fledged man. But if we want to encourage our mate to express his masculinity, we need to give him some room.

According to Andrea Gaines, here are a few things women can do at home, before ever hitting the bedroom, to heat things up:

Let him lead

To get your guy to man up, encourage him to make more decisions. It might be awkward at first, says Andrea. “He’s so used to letting you lead at home, that he’s going to be waiting for you to tell him what to do, so there has to be this vacuum where he fumbles. Force him to make decisions, give him more opportunities to decide with small things like where to go for dinner.  When he does, give overtly big feedback: “I love it! I love it that you chose Mexican!” Reward him when he gets it right so he does it more in the future. Show that you trust him.”

Switch Up Your Energy

Andrea says of busy women: “Their energy is choppy, angular, and brusque, and they don’t even know it. Half of it has to do with tone of voice and the speed with which they speak.” She recommends women slow down the pace of their speech and drop down an octave or two. She also suggests they use their imagination to visualize a different kind of energy to embody – like a tiger, or a butterfly, or the wind. This helps you get out of your head by consciously deciding: “I am going to slow down, give a different vibe and practice feeling — I am so hot and enjoyable and luscious.”

Communicate Without Words

Sometimes talking can be a turn off.  To create spark, try using fewer words and more non-verbal communication. This includes making sounds like sighs, oohs, and mmmms, but also smiling, moving sensuously, making eye contact, and touching. Andrea explains how a woman might do this at the dinner table: “Just the way that she reaches to grab the salt could be very feminine and artful, or the way she eats her asparagus or a strawberry could be very sensual — and he’ll notice …

“A woman can turn her food into artful sexual polarity by slowing down, smelling it, touching it, tasting it, using her eyes.”

This may all sound too manipulative or submissive to you, but I suggest you play around with these techniques and see what happens. The other night, my husband came home late and I decided to experiment.  I touched his shoulder as I slowly put his plate down in front of him. Then I pulled my chair in a little closer than usual, leaned in and looked him in the eye. I listened without saying much, simply smiling and murmuring in response.

After only a few minutes, he sat up straight like a trained dog and looked at me like I was a big ole bone he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve.

I played with my hair, stroked his arm and told him in a low voice I had to pick up our daughter from soccer. “I’ll be waiting right here for you when you get back,” he told me, eagerly, practically wagging his tail.

Sheesh, I thought, as I headed for the car. That was easy.

Look, I’m not suggesting we return to an antiquated, male-dominated marital construct of the ’50s. We are powerful, brilliant creatures! But we shouldn’t lose touch with our sensuality and feminine side in the name of getting things done, and we want our men to be men.

So why not get a little magnetic sexual current flowing?

“A man just wants your radiant, feminine energy,” says Andrea. “And when one person changes, everything changes. You do it for the sake of growing the marriage.”

Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: Marjie Killeen writes the “Sex & the Suburbs” column for Make it Better Magazine and hosts a series of live panel discussions about sexing it up after you’ve settled down. Join Marjie for her next “Sex & the Suburbs” show on November 29, 7:30 p.m., at the Wilmette Theatre (1122 Central Street, Wilmette, Illinois)  for a fun and enlightening discussion. Both David Klow and Andrea Gaines will be part of the panel.  The show is called: “How to Get What You Really Want for the Holidays – Bridging the Male/Female Divide.” For ticket information (847-251-7424) and/or follow this link:

http://www.wilmettetheatre.com/events/#event1026813-sex-the-suburbs-bridging-the and to visit Andrea Gaines’ blog: http://www.hgcoaching.com/






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