Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: I received this letter from a Mom a few weeks ago. It tackled an issue that affects all of us: When do we jump in to protect someone else’s kid? Or, when should we just mind our own business? Many times, when you do try to right a wrong, it bites you — like the situation presented below. However, I come from the “Jump In Anyway” Camp. It kills me to see someone’s kid bullied or have their feelings hurt. My thoughts here: Mom, you did the right thing.
By Anonymous Mom
I received an email from one of my son’s friend’s moms the other day regarding one of the boys in their “group.” They are all in 6th grade and are in the habit of hanging out as a group after school. Sometimes they go in pairs — but this time there were about 5 or 6 boys together. One of the boys left his cell phone at home and asked all of the boys if he could borrow one of theirs to make a call. This particular boy is a sensitive but good kid, and when they all said NO — he began to cry …
Eventually, the boys all said he could use one of theirs, but by then I believe the damage had already been done. The boy said no, and left the group, and ultimately started to walk home in the cold rain by himself. No one went after him. Luckily the mom who sent the email was driving and noticed him walking alone and crying. She stopped, picked him up, and drove him home.
She sent an email about the “situation” shortly thereafter. I was so sad and cringed at the thought of “what if it were my son” — who was also there, and part of the group. I was quick to voice my opinion that night as my son had a basketball game later, but was surprised that two of the moms (whose sons were also part of that group) seemed pretty annoyed at the whole thing, and didn’t think their kids did anything wrong.
After the game I talked with my son and relayed my disappointment. I explained that I expected him to do the right thing and stick up for his friend but he didn’t.
I also explained to my son that he can’t have it BOTH ways, by going over to this friend’s house all of the time and then not be there when his friend really needed him — even if it was just about a cell phone. It really was about so much more.
It was a brief conversation that night, continuing the next day along with my ex-husband. We were both concerned. The next step I took is what is truly haunting me … I decided to send an email blast to the “moms” and instead of writing in a warm and fuzzy tone, I sounded downright condescending and self-righteous. Hence, the DOWNSIDE of communicating via email. The replies, texts and voicemails were horrible and gave me the wake-up call I guess I needed to stay out of it.
I have since apologized for creating such a mess and have asked for forgiveness — I have received only one reply. I expressed to all of them that I know we all parent differently and that my main concern regarding this situation was the “bullying” aspect of what had happened. I was also asking for their help so we can talk as a group to work on remedying the situation. I know that won’t happen now, and I am okay with that but do I have a moral obligation here to anyone other than my son? He has reached out to his friend to apologize — but I’m not sure if that is enough?
LB: This Mom is clearly looking to GW readers for advice. Hey GIRLillas — what could she have done differently in order to make an impact? (Would love your feedback in the Comments Section below).
< back
Homecoming Special
It doesn’t sound like this mom “stood up for someone else’s kid”. It sounds like she attacked other moms via email for not parenting their children. That never works. There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation (live) with our kids’ friends’ parents about stuff that happens among them, but no one responds well to being attacked. The best thing this mom did was point out to her own son that he was being a bad friend. It’s those calm “post-mortem” conversations with our kids that have the best effect. I think it’s also important to talk to our kids about exactly what to say the next time they’re in a position when they’re friends aren’t being kind. It’s important to give them “scripts”. It helps them find the words when they need to. Teaching our kids to act better, to stand up for kids is helping to fulfill our moral obligations.
I think the only mistake this mom made was to send her thoughts through an email. I would have done the same thing, but maybe thru a telephone conversation or meet up for coffee w/these moms. I think this mom expressed very well to her child that he can’t have a friendship that is two sided by her son. IE: going to this boys house all the time, but not helping the friend out when he needed his friend most
I dont understand the use of the word bullying. Its being overused and this is a good example. The friends said no. Maybe not nice, but not a big deal. If he needed a phone, he could have picked up a house phone. To walk out and walk home in the rain, his choice. He was upset, and that stinks. But thats about it. That mom should have said nothing. The boy , if those things happen more often, will figure out who he wants as friends. They are 11.
I’ve read this article twice and all I can say is “wow!”. So according to a recent GW article, it is OK to stand up for another person’s child in order to get them invited to a party, but it is NOT OK to stand up for another person’s child when you witness them being treated badly or unfairly by their friends. So many rules to remember and god forbid not cross around here. I commend this mother for writing to the other parents in an effort to right a wrong that was done to a child. Remember these kids are only 11 years old. It is unfortunate that she didn’t read through her email before sending it to make sure that it was written with a tone that could’ve been productive versus one that sounds like it was attacking. My guess is that she was thinking “what if this was my kid”, and her mama bear protective instincts drove that email. I say it is unfortunate that her email was not written well because it then allowed the mothers of the other boys to deflect the issue off of their own children’s bad behavior and focus their energy on the writer of the email. But to be quite honest, what bothers me the most about this article is the fact that once this woman realized her mistake, she apologized and from what I can tell was NOT forgiven. To me, that is the real issue. No wonder these boys were selfish with their phones. They are learning from their mothers.
Lisa Barr, Editor of GIRLilla Warfare: All I can say, too, is WOW — I knew if I brought this to you, my readers — the advice would be golden. How right you all are … especially the last point — Lisa P — the apologizing part … that got me too. The way the other mothers reacted was definitely THE example-setter for their kids. Love the idea about “Scripts” — I’m going to use that myself. I had a “drama” this morning … and a Script would have been perfect. But as I always say … it’s never too late. I am sure these comments above and the others that will appear throughout the day will help our “Mom” writer. Lotsa xo’s Lisa
I do agree the term “bullying” is overused. If that were my son who was denied the cell phone, I would have been pretty annoyed at him for walking home in the rain alone. If it were my son who was on of the ones not being nice, he WOULD be apologizing to the boy. But I may have encouraged him to let this boy know that you can’t storm off when things don’t go your way. On a separate issue from bullying, an even more important issue to me is these kids getting separated from the group and being in a vulnerable position ie walking home in the rain. The author didn’t mention how far home was, but if it was more than a couple blocks, I would be upset as a parent. I commend the driver who let the moms know, and that is really where this all should have ended. A follow up email was a little “bullying”. If the driver’s email didn’t hit home with these moms, the follow up was going to make it worse. That being said, we ALL make mistakes. We’ve all sent out emails we wish we hadn’t. The best you can do is communicate what happened and probably not state how the other families should handle it. That is where people get defensive and “annoyed” instead of hearing what really happened.
@SEL…there wasn’t a house phone to use as the boys were hanging out uptown however that part is really irrelevant…..admitting my mistake (one of a million I made and will continue to make as a mom) asking others for forgiveness and forging ahead has taught me that i am moving in the right direction…..
thank you el, point well taken and much appreciated:)
As a parent of a child who was involved in this situation- this story has become exaggerated and in some areas completely fabricated!!! I am shocked to read this. The boy who ( I very very much adore) asked to use the cell phone has a reputation for grabbing other kids phones and running. I have told my son that he is responsible for anything that happens with his cell phone. If he gives his phone to someone to use and they send an inappropriate text then HE is responsible for the content of the text! So my son sent a text for the boy who did not have his phone- I verified that by looking at his messages. He, along with the other boys did eventually offer to make the call for him. Another issue with this story is that a mother who was picking up her son, offered this boy a ride- he refused several times. I will not go on with the story, but I could.
The email the mom above sent- demanded that we, as mothers, along with our sons, apologize to the boy and his mother- She also suggested we all sit down and have a meeting to discuss said child. WELL, I have a relationship with the mother and do NOT need to be told how to go forth with it. Not to mention that the mother of the child did not want the boy to be singled out- that doesn’t help the situation!!! As readers of this article, do you really think that the boys should shun the child who she is talking about in this article because they dont get along at times??? Should they all really stop going to his house because, at times, there are issues in the group?? I can tell you that the mother of this boy would not want that for him and neither would the boy.
Anyway, we (as parents) were so angry about the letter because it was inaccurate and accused our boys of being bullies. I believe that I am a parent that addresses my child’s behavior the way I see fit. My son is FAR from perfect (as a matter of fact he was beyond irritating tonight) but generally he is a kind respectful child. He really likes the boy who was singled out in the email, but at times they have issues. IF the mother who wrote the above letter was looking to handle the situation, she should start with her own child…
(By the way, I did respond to her email, and I do consider her a friend. This is just very frustrating to relive.)